Astrology has saturated social media, teens are drawn to it believing it is harmless.
Jessie dropped into a chair next to her friend Sarah at the cafeteria table. Pushing her chemistry and math books out of the way, she opened her sack lunch and peeked over Sarah’s shoulder to see what she was scrolling through on her iPhone. She recognized the symbols for the zodiac but didn’t realize astrology had become so popular among her teenage friends. “What are you reading?”
“My horoscope,” Sarah answered, showing Jessie the app. “Look. It tells me my strengths and weaknesses, the best and worst parts of my personality, what my day will be like, the people I connect best with, and even helps me make smart decisions on what I should do. Like if I should go on a date with Todd or not.” She winked at the football player from across the high school cafeteria. “You should give it a try sometime. It’s totally harmless.”
Sarah’s words played on Jessie’s mind all afternoon. That evening, as she stared into her chemistry homework, she wondered about the horoscope that her friend had been reading. She had so many questions about herself, her life, her friendships, and her future after high school. The world felt more uncertain every day. Maybe she’d read just one and see what it said. After all, Sarah had said it was harmless. Right?
Astrology, Zodiac, and Horoscopes
Chances are good that you’re one of the 90% of people who knows their star sign. Astrology and the zodiac have so permeated our culture that whether or not you believe in or practice any form of astrology or read your horoscope, you’re familiar with the concept.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines astrology as “the divination of the supposed influences of the stars and planets on human affairs and terrestrial events by their positions and aspects.”
Astrology began in Babylon around the 2nd millennium before Jesus Christ was born. The Babylonians established a system of twelve constellations, called the zodiac, that interact with the paths of the sun, moon, and other visible planets. They believed that the placements and movements of the heavenly bodies impacted everything that happened here on Earth and even determined human actions and personalities.
They began using a horoscope, a diagram of the positions of planets and zodiac signs at certain times, to determine a person’s character and personality, and predict their life’s events.
Increasing Popularity With Teens
Astrology and the zodiac have spread across the globe in the centuries since. They are still prevalent in our society today. In the 1960s and 70s, the New Age Movement in the United States sparked an interest in astrology. However, astrology has seen a strong resurgence in the last few years and has become increasingly popular among teens and young adults.
Studies show that 65% of people between the ages of 14 and 29 read their horoscope daily. Of those people, 40% believe the zodiac helps make life decisions. Google Trends reported that in 2020, searches for astrology and zodiac birth charts hit record highs. Co-Star has reported that someone in the United States downloads their astrology app every 3-4 seconds.
Paul warns us in 2 Timothy 4:3-4, “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but have itching ears. They will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths.”
What has happened to cause this renewed obsession with the zodiac, and why is astrology so popular with teens?
Why is Astrology So Popular with Teens?
1. It’s Accessible
Our teens can find the zodiac everywhere they turn. Not only can it be found on all types of merchandise at the store, but our teens have it at their fingertips. Celebrities and social media influencers, many of who are teens or young adults themselves, make the zodiac popular among their viewers. Apps like Co-Star and Sanctuary give teens their horoscope at the touch of the screen.
2. It’s Meme-able
Teens and young adults love good memes and are almost obsessed with creating them. The zodiac gives endless opportunities for them to make memes in creative ways.
3. It’s Personalized
Rather than being the generic horoscope that once could be found in the newspaper, apps can now personalize a person’s horoscope and tailor it to each individual. This personalization makes our teens feel seen and understood, even if it stems from an impersonal source.
4. It Gives a Sense of Control
Our world, especially since the pandemic, has been full of stress, fear, and uncertainty about the future. It is a normal human response to want to feel in control of a situation. Psychologist Stephen D. Benning once said regarding astrology, “Having a method of making sense of what might otherwise seem chaotic and uncontrollable would be appealing.” However, the Bible tells us in Isaiah 47 that it is better to put our trust in a God who is in control than in astrologers who cannot even save themselves in a time of need.
5. It’s Comforting
When our teens feel in control or like they know what is coming, they tend to feel comforted. They like to believe there’s hope or feel there is something that they can do to accomplish a particular outcome.
6. It Gives a False Sense of Connection
A teen’s horoscope can create a false sense of connection. Believing that the universe impacts and connects everyone with its movements may help teens feel connected to their peers and the bigger picture. As previously mentioned, the apps that can personalize their horoscope make them feel seen and understood.
7. It Gives a False Sense of Identity
Teens and young adults are at a time when they are trying to figure out who they are and what their purpose is. A person’s zodiac lists their positive and negative traits, strengths and weaknesses, and tells them who they are. However, the things the zodiac tells our teens do not match up with what the Bible tells them about their identity and purpose.
What Does the Bible Say About Astrology?
Astrology has a strong allure and has become popular with teens and young adults. But what does the Bible say about astrology and the zodiac? Is reading our horoscope harmless, as many people claim? And can a person follow Christ and read their horoscope?
The short answer is this: Yes, astrology is harmful, and no, a person can’t follow both Christ and the zodiac.
Astrology, the zodiac, and horoscopes are forms of fortune-telling.
Fortune-telling is a form of witchcraft, of which the Bible makes clear that we are not to take part.
Deuteronomy 18:10-12 says: “Let no one be found among you who… practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist who consults with the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord.”
When Paul describes the fruits of the flesh, which are contrary to the fruits of the Spirit, he says, “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Galatians 5:19-21).
Is It Really That Serious?
Our teens might ask, “Is it really that serious? Is reading my horoscope really that harmful?”
Yes. It is.
When we look back at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, how did the serpent convince them to take a bite of the fruit? By telling them it was harmless and that, rather than dying, they would “be like God” (Genesis 3:5).
Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:24 that we can’t love two masters. We can either choose to followChrist or the things of this world. There is no in-between.
Creating an Idol
In Romans 1:25 (NIV), Paul writes: “They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things, rather than the Creator….” Those who believe in astrology worship the movements of stars and planets that God created. We are making idols of them rather than trusting the one who created everything and knows us better than we know ourselves.
Giving Our Teens a False Identity
When teens hear or read things about themselves that have nuggets of truth, they pay closer attention. When a horoscope says something that reflects one of their traits or that comes true, our teens begin to believe it is accurate.
The zodiac gives lists of our positive and negative traits. For example, it may tell the teen reading it that they are strong and capable but also that they are stubborn, temperamental, and argumentative.
The zodiac can lead our teens and young adults into a false sense of identity when they believe their horoscope is true. “If my sign says I am like this, then I must be like this.” It’s all too easy to excuse negative traits and behavior because of what appears in one’s horoscope. However, God calls us to greater things and invites us to produce the fruits of the Spirit rather than the fruits of the flesh, and invites us to step into the beautiful identity and sense of worth that He has given us.
False Discernment
When we turn to the zodiac for insights and act on them, we think we know better than God. However, only the Holy Spirit can provide us with true wisdom, knowledge, and discernment. The Bible tells us in James 1:5 that “if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” If that is the case, why do we choose to turn to something else that gives us false wisdom?
When our teens judge their friendships and relationships on their horoscopes, they keep those negative things in the back of their minds. They can become convinced that their relationship will never thrive. Our teens can also miss out on extraordinary relationships with others if they base them on whether the other person is a zodiac sign that suits theirs.
John writes in 1 John 4:1, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
Discussion Questions For Your Teens
- What do you believe about astrology, the zodiac, and your horoscope?
- If you read your horoscope, what do you hope to find in it? What does it provide that God doesn’t through His Word and Holy Spirit?
- How do you test whether or not something you read or hear is from God?
- If you read a horoscope, does it help you feel in control? Or would you rather have God in control of the outcome?
- What do you believe your identity to be?
- Do you realize that your friends are watching when you are reading your horoscope? Do you think seeing a Christian reading their horoscope makes God look strong or weak?
Our teens must test what they hear and read every day. The devil and his servants know the spiritual world. However, they cannot be trusted to tell us the truth or keep our well-being in mind. Being in God’s Word and in continual prayer will help our teens to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit and know what is truly coming from God.
By Carol Cuppy
Published on Tuesday, February 14, 2023 @ 4:43 PM EDT
Helping Kids Stand Firm While Navigating the Ever-Changing Landscape of Transgenderism
There is a crucial shift in youth culture, and Christian teens need to understand transgenderism as well as how to respond in love and truth.
Parents today are getting savvier when it comes to the alphabet soup of social media codes. While SMH, YOLO and FOMO quickly became cemented into the larger digital landscape, a new acronym has emerged that most parents haven’t yet encountered: ROGD.
Before you start sweating this like the newest Wordle, I’ll fill you in. ROGD stands for “rapid onset gender dysphoria.” This term was first used in a 2018 study involving more than 250 parents whose teenage children (83% of whom were girls) suddenly announced they were transgender, despite showing no earlier signs of gender confusion. Researcher Lisa Littman found that among the teen and young-adult social groups she studied, 37% included a majority of members who became “transgender-identified.”
Although Littman was cautious about her findings, she hypothesized that “social contagion is a key determinant of rapid-onset gender dysphoria.” In other words, exposure to social media and friend groups in which some young people identify as transgender may lead others to claim the same identity.
This may explain why, according to the Williams Institute, the number of transgender-identified youth in the U.S. doubled from 150,000 to 300,000 between 2017 and 2022. During the same time period, however, the percentage of adults claiming to be transgender remained steady.
We’re witnessing a significant shift in youth culture, and Christian teens need help understanding transgender issues as well as discerning how to respond in loving and truth-filled ways.
Starting the Conversation
When talking about sexual issues with teens, I find it helpful to start with God’s original design. In the first chapter of Genesis, we read that God separated everything He created—darkness from light, land from water, swimming creatures from those that fly. As His final creative act, God fashioned humankind in His image and distinguished them as male and female.
In human sexual identity, as in other aspects of God’s created order, we see healthy distinction and holistic connection. Women and men bring distinct and irreplaceable attributes to humanity. The Bible isn’t the only authority to make this claim. Medical science has also verified the differences between men and women down to the cellular level.
However, this is not a story the culture allows anymore. There’s a powerful movement to sever gender from bodily sexual identity and conform all aspects of human society to this new unreality.
The World Health Organization, for example, claims that “gender identity refers to a person’s internal and individual experience of gender, which may or may not correspond to their sex at birth.” Disconnecting gender from sex at birth is clearly not a medically informed position. Sadder still, a Supreme Court justice, when still a nominee, couldn’t define what a woman is. When adult culture is this confused (or agenda-driven), we can be certain that our youth are suffering.
Affirming our Children’s Sexuality
As parents, we should positively affirm and regularly reinforce the goodness of being a girl or a boy. With young children, we can talk about their bodies during bath time or on the changing table. (Yes, it really should start this young.)
Above all, we want our children to know that before they were born, God loved them and delighted in creating each of them exactly as He intended. Hearing the truth from us early and often will equip them for the challenges they’ll encounter later on, including questions about the existence of God or assertions that biological sex and gender are nothing more than social constructs.
Teenagers are more adept at sniffing out and avoiding teachable moments, but the guidance is similar. We can subtly affirm our children’s God-given sexuality by saying, “You’re an amazing daughter!” or “I’m proud of you, Son.” Other ways to encourage a healthy identity include talking regularly with our teens about their peer relationships and how their friends talk about sex and gender.
Modeling God’s Created Order
Perhaps our most important parental influence comes through modeling sexuality in a healthy way. The culture demeans women every chance it gets. Women are frequently the target of sexualized violence on TV and are normalized as sex objects in pornography. When a girl sees boys mistreating her friends or experiences such mistreatment herself, it can be easy to conclude that being a girl isn’t such a great idea. Girls who grow up in a home with a mother and father who love each other and model what a healthy sexual identity looks like develop a healthy picture of what it means to be a woman.
The culture also presents a tragically distorted vision of what it means to be a man. Men are often portrayed as idiots, overgrown adolescents or sexual aggressors. Boys need to be around godly men who treat women respectfully and lovingly inside and outside the home. In families where the dad is absent, a male relative or youth pastor can model these qualities in intentional ways.
Speaking Openly About Our Broken World
Our kids need more than a healthy sexual identity to handle the challenges of the current transgender wave. We need to help them understand how to respond when a classmate suddenly comes to school dressed in opposite-sex clothing and uses a different name.
For years I’ve helped my children understand confusing or difficult topics by speaking openly about the reality of living in a sinful world. When they ask why some people steal, kill or do other terrible things, I remind them of the Fall and the presence of sin in every human heart. To be clear, when I share hard things with my younger children, I don’t give them gory details or frighten them. I simply explain that when people turn away from God in their hearts, they lose interest in showing love and respect for other people.
I also explain that the curse of sin is more than just willful disobedience. The Bible teaches that all of creation was wounded because of sin (Genesis 3:17; Romans 8:19-22). These fractures continue to impact us. Some people are born with mental or physical challenges. Others develop diseases early or later in life. On top of that, many people eagerly deal out confusion as they follow the father of lies. For these and many other reasons, challenges such as transgenderism should drive us closer to Christ and the guidance of His revealed Word.
Showing Empathy
Jesus understood the sin of the people around Him, but He saved His condemning words for the leaders and institutions that deceived people and kept them in bondage. We, too, must distinguish between the corporations and public figures pushing the trans agenda and the individual boys and girls suffering from very real pain and confusion.
In the study referenced earlier, the researcher suggested another possible reason for the rapid increase in transgenderism. She wrote, “For some individuals, the drive to transition may represent an ego-syntonic but maladaptive coping mechanism to avoid feeling strong or negative emotions.” In other words, some young people may choose a trans identity as a way to avoid overwhelming negative emotions. In today’s social climate, coming out as a trans girl or boy often generates a great deal of positive affirmation. This may conceal the underlying emotional distress for a time, but it remains unhealed.
We’ve all felt pain that we haven’t always handled well. So have our teens. Teaching them how to identify and understand their own emotional pain can help them become more sensitive to the pain and confusion others may be experiencing.
Sharing the Gospel in a Dark World
Even as we teach our children to show compassion and respect for others, we must prepare them for the likelihood that their love and concern will be misunderstood as disrespect or even hatred. Much of the world now sees gender identity as an exclusively internal and individual expression. Attempts to reconnect it to one’s biological sex are often labeled as intolerant or dangerous.
Sharing the Gospel of love and hope with a transgender peer isn’t easy. However, a simple rule may help our teens know when others will be more likely to receive their words. A pastor once shared that people can’t hear you when they’re walking away from you. We can share truth with others at any time, but they may only hear it if they’re moving toward us.
I’ve seen situations where Christian kids have tried to evangelize their peers, but the words fell flat. This happened largely because they had no real relationship with those they were talking to. Unless God directs our teens to share a specific message, they might do better forming a relationship with a transgender-identified peer. Even without such a relationship, they can ask questions driven by respect and genuine interest in the individual. “How long have you felt this way?” will have a very different impact than “Why are you doing this?”
Setting Boundaries
More than ever, it’s important to help our teens establish healthy boundaries in their relationships. One area to discuss is where your family stands on the pronoun debate. In my family, we have chosen to use one another’s preferred names but not a false pronoun. A name is not an immutable aspect of a person’s being, but sexual identity is. To use a factually incorrect pronoun, even out of a heart of compassion, is to affirm and reinforce an untruth.
Young people are under enormous pressure to conform to the world around them. I’ve heard stories of straight kids telling others they were gay or bisexual just so they wouldn’t stand out among their peers. Our kids will be pressured to affirm these new identities and may even be placed in situations at school or work where they feel coerced into violating their consciences. All of this will be presented as the “loving thing to do.”
But as Thomas Merton reminds us, “To love others well we must first love the truth,” and “If I am to love my brother, I must somehow enter deep into the mystery of God’s love for him.”
May we and our teens have the heart of Christ, who moved, ate and lived among sinners so that by knowing Him they might also come to know His truth and love forever.
By DANIEL WEISS
Published on Tuesday, February 7, 2023 @ 5:10 PM EDT
Get 10 tips for becoming a parent who is diligent on a daily basis with teens.
My years with four teenagers in the house were definitely the toughest of my life. My heart broke into a million pieces as I shared my kids’ many pains during those wild and turbulent times.
It set me to praying — every day. I asked God to make those six teenage years golden years. I prayed that my kids would have godly hearts. I prayed for their sexual purity, for their ability to stand alone against peer pressure, for their self-images, for their desire to honor and obey us, for wisdom, for their friends and teammates and teachers and coaches and future mates. I prayed that the example of my life would be more consistently godly.
I made many mistakes with my kids, but I didn’t quit. I tried to be diligent in doing what I thought was right, adjusting my tactics with each situation and each kid, and adjusting again when my methods didn’t work.
In the process, I discovered some tips you might find useful. They’re the kind of thing you might be tempted to forget in the heat of the parenting moment — the kind of thing that takes daily diligence.
1. Allow choices whenever possible
When we’re rushed, or when our teens have disappointed us, it’s easy to step in and make the decisions ourselves. But kids learn to make good choices … by making choices. If good choices lead to pleasant results and poor choices produce painful consequences (which they often will if you don’t “rescue” your teen), you’ll probably find your son or daughter making more of the former than the latter.
2. Remember the power of saying, “No”
It’s part of a parent’s job, so don’t be timid! “Everybody” may be doing it, going to it, watching it, listening to it, drinking it and using it, but “In this home, we’re not!” Don’t just issue declarations, though; keep working on the relationship and explain the reasons behind the boundaries.
3. Follow through with appropriate consequences
If your teen comes home before curfew, praise her. If she ignores the limits you’ve set, withdraw an allowance or privilege (driving, phone use, going out at night, etc.). In the interest of fairness, let your teen know ahead of time what the limits and penalties are. For example, coming home 15 minutes late means coming home 15 minutes early next time. Write it down so no one forgets!
George Callahan is one dad who discovered the value of appropriate consequences. He and his daughter Miriam spent way too much time bashing heads — especially over getting the girl to school on time. Finally George decided to lay out what he was going to do: “The car is leaving for work at 7:30 a.m. If you’re ready, I’ll take you to school.” If Miriam wasn’t ready for school then, she had to find another way to get there.
George says, “It changed everything to just get out of the power struggle and say, ‘We don’t have to struggle. I simply present the consequences. Those aren’t negotiable.'”
4. Re-evaluate your habits occasionally
Every so often, honestly assess where you are and how you’re doing as a parent. Give yourself credit in the areas where you’re doing well, and thank God for His help. In other areas, create a simple, step-by-step plan for improvement. Be firm with yourself, but not harsh.
5. Be consistent
Some parents find this the toughest task of all. But teens like to know where they stand and what’s expected of them. When rules change and they get in trouble, they withdraw or lash out. Some families find it helps to draw up agreements, even in the small things, so there’s no confusion about what’s expected.
One teen boy said, “I’ve never had a set curfew. One night it will be 12 and the next night, even if I haven’t done anything wrong, they’ll be like, ‘Oh, come home at 11 tonight.’ It was very confusing.”
6. Be patient
Give yourself — and your teen — a break. You’re going through a time of upheaval and delicate wire-walking. Allow yourself some slack when it comes to measuring progress.
One wise parent puts it this way: “We had to take on a different perspective and realize that all things weren’t going to be fixed or worked out. There would still be conflicts. That relationship didn’t have to suddenly be right for us to be happy or content.”
7. Keep up with your teen’s world
Even in the midst of chaos — or because of it — you need to know about the culture that’s pressuring and misinforming your son or daughter. Bookmark PluggedIn.com.
8. Enjoy your teen
Being a parent to a teen is not all hard work. There can be a lot of fun, too. Teens are daring, willing to play and explore life; they’re often enthused, outrageous, crazy, insightful. They can be great companions when you’re running a quick errand. Think of your teen as a new friend you’d really like to get to know. Try not to lose sight of that, even when you don’t think you could love this kid one more second.
9. Meet apparent rejection with acceptance
“No matter how sullen they were, we hugged them,” one parent said of her teens. “[We] said we loved them. It didn’t matter if they responded. We did it anyway. Now there isn’t a conversation that doesn’t end with, ‘Love you, Mom!’ ‘Love you, Dad!’ They open their arms and hug freely.”
10. Make encouragement a habit
One teen says his mother posts a new Bible verse every day on his mirror. This young man is honest enough to say he doesn’t always read them. But he loves that his mom is consistent and caring enough to do it, even though she knows he doesn’t always read them. Her diligence shouts love to him.
By Focus on the Family
Published on Tuesday, January 31, 2023 @ 3:00 PM EDT
The sexualization of young girls has numerous effects on mental health, identity, and sexuality. However, as a a parent, you can positively shape your daughter’s development throughout the critical ages and stages of her life.
There’s a chance you might remember the rumblings in the news about the American Psychological Association and their groundbreaking discovery that the proliferation of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harmful to girls’ self-image and healthy development.1
When I heard it on the news, I stared at my TV in total disbelief and mumbled, “Nah! Ya think?”
The study took aim at everything from sexually salacious ads to the tarted-up dolls popular with young girls. Every type of media was fair game, including video games, music, bombardment of sexual images found on television and online.
That was in 2008.
Over a decade later, the sexualization of young girls still occurs through a variety of media and online outlets. However, recent studies and updated research paint a slightly more alarming picture than previously shown.
Sexualization of Young Girls
Sexualization was defined by the task force as occurring when a person’s value comes only from her/his sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics, and when a person is sexually objectified, i.e., made into a thing for another’s sexual use.
While the overall finding of these studies may not come as a surprise, it should serve as a wake-up call for parents who have somehow rationalized that it’s a battle not worth fighting. Take a look at some of the fallout these studies continue to confirm.
Cognitive and Emotional Consequences
Sexualization and objectification undermine a person’s confidence in and comfort with her own body. This can lead to emotional and self-image problems such as shame and anxiety. Also, the cognitive consequences go beyond what you might able to see. Not every negative effect reveals itself in a physical change.
Mental and Physical Health
Research links sexualization with three of the most common mental health problems diagnosed in girls and women. Often, this can include — eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression or depressed mood. Also, it’s worth noting that most of this research focuses on girls within important developmental ages and stages.
Sexual Development
Research suggests that the sexualization of girls has negative consequences on girls’ ability to develop a healthy sexual self-image.2 This directly ties to a girl’s personal view of her identity and how she relates to friends, family, and strangers. Furthermore, it’s important to note the relationship between a healthy biblical sexual identity and a young girl’s mental health. At critical ages and stages like these, sexual development on a girl’s identity is a monumental topic for your daughter.
Parents: Problem or Solution?
According to the task force report, parents can play a major role in contributing to the sexualization of their daughters, or they can play a protective and educative role. Furthermore, the study acknowledges that parents may actually contribute to the sexualization of their daughters in a number of ways.
One way is to convey the message that maintaining an attractive physical appearance is the most important goal for girls. Unfortunately, consistent negative comments surrounding your daughter’s appearance deprive her of your love and approval. Instead, patterns like this leave your daughter confused rather than valued.
Before we look at ways to protect our daughters from sexualizing messages from the media, we must first examine ourselves. Instead, the goal is to see if perhaps we have propagated a damaging message. If outer appearance is important to you personally, you might have passed the same mindset to your daughter.
Final Thoughts on Preventing the Sexualization of Your Daughter
Hopefully, after reading you will have a better grasp on why God tells us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” and further wants us to “know that full well” (Ps. 139:14). Also, it may even be necessary to go to your daughter and apologize for the part you may have played in emphasizing outer appearance to an unhealthy degree. I have certainly had to own up to this in the past with my own daughter.
Next, we need to put our daughters on a media diet. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to shield them from every damaging influence. But, we can certainly draw a line in the sand when it comes to the worst offenders. Finally, check out the resources below for a list of the worst offenders and tips on how to limit your daughters’ consumption and exposure to the damaging lies they generate.
By VICKI COURTNEY
Published on Thursday, January 26, 2023 @ 2:34 PM EDT
If you’re a parent of teenagers, you’ve probably noticed a growing interest in your teen’s desire to date. Where do you start? What questions should you be asking? And how do you balance boundaries with love in your teen’s dating experiences?
Imagine if dating were an incredibly healthy thing that truly prepared people to love another person well? Is that possible?
As a parenting expert and therapist, I often get asked the question, “should my teen date”? It’s a complicated question. There can be a lot of pain and fear behind that question. In fact, there have been many couples that have struggled into their adult relationships because of negative momentum that carried over from their teen dating years.
As you can probably tell, some teens are ready for healthy dating, and some are not. You might have a different understanding of dating from your teen.
Did you know that approximately 40% of couples now meet online?
Some would say that it is just to have some fun and to not take it so seriously. While others would say it is quite sacred and should be taken very seriously. So who is right? Can it be both?
Personal Tales from When My Teens Dated
I have enjoyed traveling the journey toward healthy dating with my two teens and several teens I have counseled over the past two decades. “Healthy dating” is a broad and subjective term. Dating in high school can be filled with excitement and drama but also various boundaries and intentions.
Think back to when you started dating. Are your memories good or shameful? You can probably remember that dating can take you on a rollercoaster ride mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In fact, researchers explain that dating’s impact on the brain is as if you are “under the influence” when you are “in love.”
Teen Dating as a Contributor or a Consumer
I can still remember the first time my son asked me and my wife when he could start dating. Prior to him asking, we had opened up many ongoing conversations on friendships, sex, attraction, and relationships from two points of view: consumer and contributor.
Being a Consumer
- Consumers can ACT friendly, kind, loving, compassionate, and other prosocial ways in order to get something.
- In other words, they are transactional and self-focused in their approach to dating and can leave people feeling used, manipulated, and hurt.
- Consumers tend to be mainly motivated by GETTING something.
Being a Contributor
- Contributors, on the other hand, ARE friendly, kind, loving, compassionate, and prosocial out of love for the other person.
- This approach sees the other person as valuable and someone with a future worth preserving.
- They are others-focused and do things for the benefit of the other. They tend to create histories they treasure and enjoy remembering.
- Contributors focus on GIVING over receiving.
What’s the Real Point of Teen Dating?
Culture naturally trains people to be consumers within dating. What if parents began to intentionality shift the momentum by training their kids how to be contributors in a dating relationship?
In my experience, my kids have gotten to fill out a Dating Contract for two reasons. Firstly, to think through the purpose of dating. And, secondly, to make sure they are ready to be a healthy contributor rather than a consumer of a person through dating.
Proverbs 15:31-33 says, “The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence. The fear of the Lord is instruction in wisdom, and humility comes before honor.
If our teens followed this principle, I’m confident we would have healthier foundations to future homes and families throughout the world. To build this foundation in your teen’s life, explore more key principles to being a contributor in teen dating.
6 Principles of Being a Contributor in Teen Dating
Focus on these six principles while using the dating contract with your teen:
Humility
Paul talks about the importance of a humble mind when it comes to relationships. Research points to the fact that humility helps a person be more satisfied with the relationship and to have the motivation to maintain and repair relationships.
Let your teen know that you want them to have highly satisfying and enjoyable relationships. Humility allows for love to exist and grow while pride crushes love and relationships.
Empathy
Along with humility, God uses Paul to give insight regarding the importance of empathy in relationships. The “new self” is a loving and honest self that truly cares about others. In teen dating, empathy can lead to compassion, patience, understanding, kindness, and love. All of these are incredible ingredients that can help a teen learn true intimacy apart from passion.
Researchers have validated that empathy leads to better communication, less conflict, and more feelings of love and satisfaction.
Keep in mind, though, that research also suggests that because teens can be very empathic, they might experience loneliness if their dating relationship starts to experience difficulties. Especially if a more empathetic teen dates a less empathetic teen. So, talk through how they will know it is time to leave a relationship, if necessary, and how they will take constructive feedback.
Self-Control
Self-control helps establish trust and contributes to the health of teen dating relationship. It’s about learning to manage and navigate what Robert Sternberg calls the “Triangle of Love.” The Triangle of Love includes passion on one corner and intimacy and commitment on the other two.
Many teens get stuck on passion, get physical, and their brain gets addicted to the dopamine rush of sexual contact. Help your teen understand that self-control in his or her passion provides room for them to learn how to have spiritual, emotional, conversational, and relational intimacy as they establish trust toward a committed relationship.
Self-control is foundational to a loving and connected dating relationship that is centered on trust and care for the other person.
Healthy Self-Awareness
Self-awareness leads to respect when understood in the context of being a contributor. Help your teen develop awareness of his or her own intentions, motivations, and emotions.
All of these can lead to consuming another person to get something. To combat this outcome, the Dating Contract provides a template to discuss your teen’s deeper thoughts and perceptions instead of focusing on simply doing the right behaviors.
Ask your teen when they are most tempted and what they do in response to their temptations. What places, times, situations, emotions make them most vulnerable to making poor decisions.
For instance, self-control decreases as the day progresses and your teen may notice that alone time late at night with their date leads to many sexual temptations. Help them be aware of these things as they learn to make decisions. Healthy self-awareness helps a person be more relational and genuinely connected.
Trust
Trust is foundational to all relationships. In the Garden of Eden, Satan put trust into question to destroy closeness and intimacy. Make sure your teen understands that trust is their most precious possession they get to maintain and guard.
Having the title of “trustworthy” is extremely commendable and admirable. Ask yourself: does the culture in our home encourage trustworthiness as an amazing goal to pursue?
Clear Boundaries
Freedom and love require boundaries, because it protects us and others from ourselves. Selfishness and pride need boundaries to be redirected to healthy love, genuine humility, and sound wisdom. Help your teen embrace boundaries as a way to maintain freedom and trust.
Take time to discuss the negotiable and non-negotiable boundaries in teen dating. Psalm 119 talks about the love of boundaries to help keep the soul safe.
Final Thoughts on Teen Dating
As you pray for wisdom and guidance throughout this season, take time to celebrate your pre-teen/teen’s growth along the way. Help them notice their victories and revisit the dating contract whenever it makes sense in your conversations. The contract is there to help guide the conversation and provide rails for guidance and growth.
Remember that this is about your child learning what it says in John 7:37-38 where Jesus says, “On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, asthe Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” You’re guiding your child toward being life-giving to those around them, including in their dating relationship. The journey will most likely require grace and forgivenessalong the way. It will be imperfect and the goal is maturity and health as they learn how to be life-giving in their relationships.
You can download the dating contract as a starting point to establishing trust and constructive conversations with your child and they learn to develop the gift of genuinely loving another person.
For more practical parenting tips, visit www.focusonparenting.com
By DANNY HUERTA, PSYD, MSW, LCSW, LSSW
Published on Thursday, January 19, 2023 @ 5:54 PM EDT