It can be so easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism. It can feel right and good in the moment as you get affirmation and admiration from others, and you feel more in control of life. Yet, it can lead to feeling emotionally and mentally drained.

What about your kids?

I’ll never forget when a teen woman came to my office. She was longing for control and affirmation but was entangled in her self-inflicted perfectionism. Also, she was struggling with panic attacks, depression, and a crippling eating disorder. She was brutally self-critical and had high expectations of herself as she unfairly compared herself to others daily.

Even though this may sound extreme, it provides a picture of what perfectionism can do as it gives an illusion of control. It takes a lot of work to be aware and help untangle ourselves and our children from its life-draining grip.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the fruitless pursuit of becoming someone with no faults or flaws. Perfectionism brings an endless barrage of self-critical and anxious thoughts. Perfectionists pursue almost impossible standards of excellence as they search for affirmation, value, competence, and a sense of worth.  

There are two general momentums of perfectionism that either lead to healthy or unhealthy developments in children:

1. Love for others: This one involves high standards of excellence to serve and love others well. These are the dedicated contributors that are learning how to balance high standards with the reality that they are not God. They get to learn about boundaries and letting go of the need to be perfect. They learn to do their best out of love for others while learning that relationship is what leads to a connected and steadfast love, not perfection.
2. Thirst for love: This one comes from a childhood where a parent’s love was conditional on a child’s performance or behavior. They are stuck and not growing because of the need for affirmation. It’s never enough. This perfectionistic momentum is grounded in selfishness, pride, and the deep need for approval, affirmation, and love from others. This type of perfectionist is a consumer looking to do whatever they need to do to get love and acceptance from other people.

Christian families tend to mix up pursuing perfectionistic behaviors instead of pursuing obedience and surrender. Our imperfections, failures, and weaknesses help us rely more and more on a close relationship with Christ. There can be an increased level of gratitude when we realize the imperfections in ourselves that have been forgiven, which leads to a humble and loving heart. Obedience means pursuing a relationship with Christ that learns to love others well, imperfections and all.

How Do I Know If My Child Is a Perfectionist?

Explore whether you see these things in your child. They are…

• afraid of failing or making mistakes.
• constantly disappointed in what they do or create.
• critical of themselves and others.
• setting very high and unrealistic expectations of themselves and others.
• taking a very long time to complete assignments or tasks.
• avoiding things that may be too difficult to avoid failing or looking weak.
• constantly sad and anxious that they’re not “good enough.”
• extreme rule followers to the point of not enjoying normal life.
• stuck mentally and emotionally.
• defensive or emotional when they feel criticized or that they didn’t meet a certain standard.

The difficulty is that some of these behaviors can be developmentally normal, especially for some personality types, such as the Thinker and Leader personalities. However, there are two main points to consider. The first is if they are setting unrealistically high standards for themselves and/or others to feel a sense of worth or control. Next, the second is if they are impatient and almost intolerant of imperfections in themselves and/or others. If your child is terrified of people seeing or knowing their imperfections or of failing in anything, then they might have signs of perfectionism.

How Do Children Become Perfectionists?

Does perfectionism in kids come from their parents? Is it genetic? Does it come from friends or teachers? Is it contagious?

In general, perfectionism comes from a child’s interpretation of how to feel a sense of worth and love. Also, some children are born with genetic predispositions to anxiety that can cause them to be more prone to becoming a perfectionist. But perfectionism generally comes from a child wanting to feel “good enough” or “better than.”

Unhealthy perfectionism in children can come from:

• a lack of love and affirmation from parents combined with standards the child cannot attain.
• their perception that they need to perform a certain way to receive love from others. 
• their embarrassment or discomfort of potentially disappointing others.
• their need to be better than everyone else to gain admiration from others.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards and pursuing excellence in work and performance. However, it is the “why” behind the high standards that makes the difference.

Signs of Perfectionism in Parenting Styles

Research suggests that authoritarian parents (all rules with little to no affection or warmth) are more likely to create an environment of perfectionism. In one recent study, researchers discovered that:

1. Moms with perfectionistic tendencies tended to create perfectionism in their daughter(s), but not their son(s).
2. Dads with perfectionistic tendencies influenced only their son(s) toward perfectionistic tendencies and not their daughters.
3. The perfectionist mothers and fathers were more likely to use the authoritarian parenting style.
4. If both the mom and dad are permissive (all love and affection with no rules or demands) and/or authoritarian in their parenting style, they are more likely to influence perfectionism in their daughter.
5. An authoritative parenting style, which is the combination of the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, serves as a protective factor, specifically in girls. 

Also, keep in mind that “all rules” parenting leads to legalism and your child needing to earn your love. To effectively curb perfectionistic tendencies, it’s essential to bring warmth, affection, and sensitivity to the guidance and discipline you bring in your child’s life.

Does Social Media Lead to Perfectionism in My Child?

Signs and symptoms of perfectionism has been on the rise since the 1980’s. In my experience, I do believe that social media has played and continues to play a big role in the rise of perfectionism. Children are in constant comparison through social media. In general, social media highlights what is “amazing” or “important.” And people post videos and content in the hopes of generating attention and likes.  

Perfectionism is encouraged through social media when it is all about finding ways to get people to affirm or love you. It is a game that never ends and tends to lead to loneliness, emptiness, depression, and anxiety.

On social media, there seems to be a pressure to:

1. Have a perfect body.
2. Have a prestigious education.
3. Have a certain career path that leads to endless success.
4. Be wealthy.
5. Be the most spiritual.
6. Be the best Christian.

An essential step in helping your child overcome perfectionism on social media is to help them realize that there is no need to try to be someone else. This mentality boils down to having a surrendered heart toward Christ that naturally obeys Christ out of love for Him. Each person’s relationship with Christ is unique to their journey as they pursue a relationship with Christ.

In Ephesians 2:10, we are affirmed that we are God’s masterpieces, or His workmanship created to do great things in Christ Jesus. We are designed on purpose and with purpose to love others deeply. From an early age, affirm your children and value the development of their character and uniqueness.

Are Girls More Prone to Perfectionism than Boys?

Yes and no. Researchers have found that elementary girls tend to be more susceptible to perfectionism than boys. In general, research points to females across all ages struggling more with perfectionism than males.

I still remember when my daughter’s third-grade teacher approached me and my wife and said, “your daughter seems to be a bit of a perfectionist.” It was eye opening and important for us to listen to how much of our daughter’s perfectionism came from me and my wife.

I got to meet with my daughter’s wonderful teacher and her aide as we explored some ideas for helping my daughter loosen up and relax in her approach toward flaws and imperfections. We discussed how she could become excited with the possibilities that can be found in imperfections and weaknesses. In all honesty, it helped me pause and reflect. Then, consider how I was doing with my own imperfections and weaknesses.

In my experience, I have found that both boys and girls struggle in their own unique ways with perfectionism. I see more boy athletes struggle with imperfection than girl athletes. And I have noticed more girls struggle with perfectionism in academic settings than boys. However, I do think that perfectionism is a human issue that shows up differently depending on personality, background, and experiences.

Also, our children need to watch us intersect in healthy ways with moments of disappointment, failure, insecurity, and weakness.

1. Pray with your son and/or daughter about their desire for excellence and how to become obedient servants of Christ in their excellence rather than players in the game of perfection.
2. Help your child reframe their pursuit of attention towards worshipping God through their gifts, talents, and life.
3. Finally, this is the way to find contentment, satisfaction, fulfillment, purpose, and peacefulness.

What are the 3 Kinds of Perfectionists?

1. Self-oriented (self-inflicted) – This person beats themselves up in their own mind as they pursue unrealistic standards that cannot be attained. They are unable to tolerate personal failure, weakness, and/or flaws.
2. Socially-prescribed (socially-interpreted) – This person believes that other people have them under impossible standards or expectations. However, they perceive that they need to meet the standards so that they can be loved or accepted. 
3. Other-oriented (others-projected) – This person expects other people to be perfect and without any flaws.

All three can be destructive in their own way. The first step in helping you and your family move toward freedom from the trap of perfectionism is realizing that you’re getting dragged into its game. Christians tend to think that having the illusion of perfection means you’re doing well, but Jesus said He died for sinners. He said that in your weakness, you are made strong in Him.

How Do I Help My Child Solve Perfectionism?

First, look at you and your spouse. Are either of you perfectionists? What’s it like in your home? Make sure love is not dependent on performance in your home. Also, take some time to invest in calm and focused relationship with your child.

Here are just a few things you can begin doing to help your child start pulling away from perfectionism:

1. Help them see vulnerability, weakness, and failure as opportunities to receive love more deeply and genuinely by others.
2. Talk about Jesus dying on the cross and resurrecting as a way to free us from sin and perfectionism and move us into relationship with Him that is not conditional on our performance.
3. Being perfect robs a relationship of being able to practice love.
4. Celebrate imperfections as opportunities to truly love one another.
5. Pursue excellence out of love for others

In general, behaviors are just symptoms of beliefs and perceptions spilling out. Thoughts and emotions dance or work together to form the behaviors we see. Take time to understand what perfectionism is getting for your child.

Are they needing affirmation, control, love, acceptance?

Final Thoughts on Helping Your Perfectionist Child

Explore it with them and then discuss healthier ways to get what they are searching for. 

You can read these scriptures with your kids:

1. Matthew 11:28-30
2. 1 Peter 2:9
3. Psalm 139:14
4. Galatians 2:20
5. Romans 15:7

Finally, perfectionism can lead to extreme exhaustion. If you as a mom or dad find yourself in this place and want some help, you can speak with one of our professionally licensed counselors at FOTF- 1800-A-FAMILY. For more practical tips and answers to your questions, visit us at www.focusonparenting.com

We’re committed to our kids’ character development, teaching them right from wrong, and disciplining them when they chose poorly. We also see to it that their chores get done, along with their schoolwork. We’re there to cheer them on at their performances and games—with our cell phone in video mode. There’s no question we are fully devoted to meeting our kids’ needs.

The hard question to ask is: Am I meeting all of their needs?   

Physical vs. Emotional

A newborn needs clothing, nutrition, and proper shelter. But those practical provisions are by no means the full extent of what a baby needs, and will continue to need throughout her childhood. Her soul has needs, known as heart needs. She must receive ongoing emotional nurturance if she’s going to thrive.

The same is true for our teenagers.

Unfortunately, in our busy modern-day culture, it’s easy to lose sight of our kids’ vital need for emotional connection. Their internal craving for nurturance.

It’s entirely possible for some of the most responsible, committed parents to unintentionally neglect to meet their kids’ emotional needs. Which in turn, can create emotional wounds.

Consider the following contrasts:

The Link Between Emotional Neglect (Wounds) and Bad Behavior

Nurturance Conveys:

“Not only do I see you, I delight in who you are.”

“I hear you and what you’re saying matters to me.”

“I know you and I fully accept you—no need to hide in shame or perform to earn my love and acceptance.”

It’s easy to assume our kids know this, but apart from our intentional efforts to say it and show it, our kids likely carry the emotional wound of not feeling fully seen, heard, or known.   

Emotional Wounds Need Special Attention

If we find that our child or teenager has become defiant, depressed, or is acting out behaviorally, the unspoken culprit could be the deep emotional wound.

Like lava churning underground, emotional wounds brew beneath the emotional surface, exploding onto the scene in sudden outbursts of anger or acts of rebellion—both bold and subtle.  

While discipline most certainly has its place in child rearing, it is not the remedy for emotional wounds. Neither are reprimanding statements spoken in frustration.

Lecturing an emotionally wounded heart is about as effective as planting a seed in concrete.    

Transformation starts when we begin forging a stronger relational connection with our child through emotional nurturance.

Unlike a coddling and controlling parenting style, which conveys to our kids that they lack what it takes to face life’s realities and challenges, nurturance fosters the self-worth and empowerment our kids need to face adversity with confidence.

Our nurturance also helps alleviate resentment our kids may be harboring toward us, however subconsciously, that reveals itself as disrespect.

Emotional nurturance is essential to our kids’ personal sense of self-worth. As their self-worth grows, the impulse to rebel and act out tend to decrease. What’s more, their own sense of self-worth naturally causes them to ascribe worth to others. Which leads to virtuous character qualities such as compassion and kindness.  

These are all great potential outcomes of emotional nurturance, but what if we feel ill equipped to provide it?

Emotionally Nurturing Parents Must Be Emotionally Nurtured

I was raised by a single mother who worked hard to provide for me and support my extra-curricular activities. I was a mother myself when a sudden avalanche of long-suppressed trauma led to the realization that I had lacked emotional nurturance throughout my childhood—as had my mother throughout hers.

Case in point, we cannot give what we do not have.

So, the process of providing emotional nurturance for our children begins by first receiving it ourselves. Our loving Creator, Father God, wants to nurture our souls, but we must ditch legalistic mindsets and chronic busyness that prevent us from experiencing His love, comfort, and counsel. He also places—or will place, if we ask—nurturing people in our lives who can help model and foster healthy emotional connections with us.

The journey to emotional healing and nurturance is just that—a journey. When we’re tending to our own heart needs, we’re positioned to meet our kids’ heart needs.  

Practical Ways to Provide Children and Teens with Emotional Nurturance

INITIATE AVAILABILITY. We must prioritize time with our kids versus giving them the leftover scraps of our time and attention.

• Sit in your child’s bedroom with him.
• Plan a weekly outing with him for ice cream or coffee.
• Spend time with him in the living room with the TV off.
• Have dinner as a family at the table with no background noise or cell phones.
• Go on walks with him.

GIVE UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. Multitasking and nurturance do not mix. Put your cell phone away, and provide your child with the priceless gift of your undivided attention—even if it makes her squirm at first. Make eye contact. Relax. Be aware of your body language—your child should see and sense there’s nowhere you’d rather be than right there with her.

Healing Emotional Wounds

• BE A CARING LISTENER. Of course, there’s a time to instruct and advise, but it’s better received when we’ve first proven to be caring listeners. So, ask questions—a lot of them. Ask your child about his day, his friends, his faith-related questions, his crush, his fears, goals, frustrations—matters that pertain to his heart and beliefs. Resist correcting before first conveying understanding and compassion.

• AFFIRM, AFFIRM, AFFIRM! Verbalize your child’s uniqueness. Tell her the special talents and gifts you see in her. Celebrate the big and small ways she brings joy to your life. Give affirming hugs and pats on the back. And continually reiterate, “There’s nothing you could do that would cause God, or me, to stop loving you. Nothing.”

It may take time for your child—especially a teenager—to begin opening up and being vulnerable with you, but don’t give up! Among all our responsibilities as parents, emotional nurturance is paramount—and among the most rewarding.