We walk in silence now, awkwardness wedged between us. Instead of laughing, we battle. We plot to defeat each other. But there are no winners in our war of words, only scars that ache with loneliness.

You feel like a prisoner in our family. You want more freedom. I get it. I understand that you’re upset. But I can’t allow all the freedoms you want. I am your parent, not your friend.

You hate me. You say this with flaming, resentful eyes, and for a second—just a second—I don’t recognize you. Suddenly an old bridge washes away and we stand on separate shores, a raging bitterness between us.

I reach out to you now, to find a way back. As your parent, I have to make unpopular decisions. (I don’t expect you to understand this.) But maybe with kinder words, we can build a new bridge that we both can cross.

One day soon, your independence will arrive and you’ll spread your wings, wide and full, and break free. And I will cheer with delight as you lift off into the glowing sky.

Until then, let me put away angry words, cast aside my arrogance, and lead us in a better direction. I promise to try harder when we disagree. I will follow these simple rules:

1. No more judging

2. No more blaming

3. No more wanting to win

I pledge to listen more and talk less. I pledge to put my frustration aside and work to understand you. I pledge to be more sensitive and less reactive. I pledge to act out of respect instead of defensiveness.

This will take time. I will stumble and fall back into old habits. But I’ll keep trying—I won’t give up on us.

And in the future, when harsh moments fade, and silence echoes in the emptiness of your room like the strings of your unplayed guitar, I’ll take this letter out and, with an open heart, give thanks.

I will be thankfulZZZz that we learned to fight for each other, instead of against each other. And that together we found the strength, on our journey as parent and child, to step away from stubbornness and lead with love.

"Every day is a prison, trapped inside this changing body, repeating the same day over and over. My whole life is made up of things I have to do, not things I want to do. Tests, quizzes, reading assignments, papers, group projects — I spend the entire day with people I am forced to be with: teenagers who feel just as messed up as me.

"Sometimes my feelings get hurt at school — by teachers, deans, counselors, but mostly by other students. I don’t tell you this, because I’m ashamed to feel hurt. I don’t want you to know how hurt I feel all the time.

"My whole life has become 'I don’t want to...' I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to...I don’t want to...I don’t want to.

"I can’t think of a single thing that I want to do — except sleep. It’s the only time I’m not stressing, the only time I’m not worried, the only time I’m not upset.

"Sometimes I hide in my room and binge watch Netflix, YouTube, or mindless videos over and over, because I can’t stand to be with my own thoughts. I’m distracting myself from me. Does that sound crazy?

"And, yes, I know that my room is a mess. I like it that way: It looks how I feel inside. And please don’t ask me what’s wrong, because I don’t know. I don’t know where these feelings came from.

"I know that you’re mad at me. I can’t blame you. I stopped talking to you. Sometimes I say such mean things to you, horrible things. I blame you, curse at you, push you away. Sometimes I break things, because I feel broken inside.

"It wasn’t always this way. When I look at old photos of me in elementary school, I see a little kid who was so happy all the time. A little kid who loved to dance and sing, who loved to be silly, who didn’t care what people thought.

"I feel like that little kid is dead.

"I’m going to tell you something now that’s hard to say. Please listen, because I really mean it: Don’t give up on me. Don’t hate me back. I need you to be stronger than me. I need you to be my parent, even though I say I don’t want one. I need you to be more patient than I can be, more understanding, more accepting. Even when I am yelling at you, even when I tell you that I hate you, I still need you to love me.

"If I could tell you how to help me, this is what I would say:

1. Give me space.

Don’t come in my room, corner me, or make demands. I don’t have any answers. When you push me or yell at me, I feel worse. I need to be alone. I need space.

2. Don’t yell at me.

The noise in my head is so loud sometimes that I can barely hear my own thoughts. I can’t stand it. When you yell, I feel worse about myself. I feel unloved. I feel like I am your biggest disappointment.

3. Take my electronics away.

I can’t put my phone down; I try, but I just can’t. I know it’s devouring all my time, but I can’t help myself; I can’t stop checking it. I need your help. I need you to set limits on technology. Please. I will fight you, but it’s what I need. Don't try to reason with me: Just do it.

4. Bring me someplace quiet.

I say I don’t want anything to do with you. But if you could bring me somewhere quiet, somewhere we could walk together and not argue, somewhere I can feel the sun and listen to the wind in the trees, somewhere I can breathe and forget about everything that’s bothering me, I think I would like that. Even if we don’t speak, I will feel comforted.

5. Stop spoiling me.

Stop giving me everything I want. The more you give me, the more I resent you. I want to earn things. It helps me feel grown-up. I want to learn how to save money, spend money, share money. And I’m never going to learn that if you keep giving it to me. I hate being dependent on you; please help me become independent.

6. Find me someone to talk to.

I need someone to look up to who isn’t you. I need an adult to admire, someone I want to be like, a person who believes in me, who pushes me, and who understands me. A mentor, a counselor, a therapist...anyone who can give me hope when I have too little for myself.

7. Tell me that you love me.

I pretend not to care. But I really need to hear you say the words, 'I love you.' Because right now, I don’t love me. Even though I’m making your life hell, I still need to feel loved. Especially by you.

"I guess that’s it. I know that being a parent is really hard. Sometimes you probably wonder why you did it. But I’ll get better. I promise. I’ll get older and we’ll enjoy each other again. Until then, understand that I appreciate you.

"I may not say it often, but still I love you."

The promise of a new year is also, always, the promise of a “new you.” In my life, the promise of a “new you” translates to a deep desire to be a better youth worker. I look out on the sea of perfectionistic, entrepreneurial, social-media-tethered teenagers and ask myself: How can I help them boldly live for Jesus? There’s something different about this generation—the old tricks of the trade don’t work the way they always have. A new year, with the promise of a new ministry-you, leads us to deconstruct our ministry back down to its foundation, then rebuild it in a fresh way.

Setting New Goals

1. Become a better student of my young people.

The conventional wisdom is that today’s teenagers are technoholics with the attention span of goldfish. The research may undergird this view, but we often draw the wrong conclusions from it. How do we know what goldfish are paying attention to anyway? Instead of labeling my students, I want to study them better. So I started out the year by asking every teenager in my ministry to write down the top three things they are struggling with. And I’ve started a “Mind Meld” challenge that attempts to uncover the truth behind the headlines about teenagers—as they walk into our gathering every week I’ve posted a question for them to answer on a sticky note.

It might be “What’s one misconception adults have about teenagers?” or “Is fast food so yesterday, and why?”  I have a volunteer stand at the front, and as kids stick their answers on our whiteboard, they get a raffle ticket for a small prize. The following week we talk through their answers to the question. Also, I’ve asked my small group leaders to check in weekly with their response to this question: “What’s one new thing you learned about your group this week?” Their answers could be silly—“They all hate Taco Bell” or  serious—“I found out none of my students have ever memorized Scripture before.”

2. Raise up more student leaders. 

In my early years in ministry, I bucked against allowing the youth in my group to lead in significant ways. I treated them as mere participants in the ministry, not instigators of it.  Of course, I saw the error of this mindset, but the responsibilities I allowed them to take on were marginal and “safe”—they passed out papers and help with set up. I soon realized that if I was going to genuinely empower them, I had to train them to lead. If I lowered the bar for them, they kept it low. When I raised it, they wanted it higher. Slowly but surely I moved my ministry into a youth-led approach.

I recruit carefully,  and I set clear boundaries around their leadership. But they help come up with our ministry themes, preparing and delivering talks, leading worship, running our sound system, planning ministry activities, and finding games we can play together. They recruit teams of people to help them lead their peers.  It is messy, a load of work for me, and entirely worth it. This year, I will cut back on my presence in the front of the room and let my youth take that place, more and more, instead. As adults, we partner with our kids to ensure they stay on track, are held accountable, and can get their hard questions answered.

3. Going deeper into the wilderness. 

I’m a Lord of the Rings geek,  and one of my favorite lines is: “Not all who wander are lost.” I love this line because it reminds me that exploring the unknown is central to our calling. In a world driven by social media, it is easy to assume that our youth want merely to be entertained. I’m finding this to be opposite of the truth. Today’s kids want to ask hard questions and go deeper into the word of God.  They no longer want to know if God is real,  they want to know what it looks like if he really cares about them.

The moral foundation of this generation is subjective, and they like to filter it through their circumstances.  This means the truth of Christ and his radical love can be lost on them. So I’m spending more time training our small group leaders how to graciously handle tough topics. And we’re discovering that creativity is critical in what we do. I’m not afraid to try new things and take new risks to help students know the heart of Jesus better. This approach has generated more discussions, stations experiences, and even drawing activities on the calendar than we’ve ever had before.

If I am a student of my teenagers, then I can better find leaders and know how to help them lead. And as leaders step up, we gain the traction we need to try new approaches to impacting our students.  I can’t wait to see how the new year leads to a new ministry.

This is the most wonderful time of year, and it also might be the busiest! The holiday season from Thanksgiving through to the New Year is supposed to be a time of “Peace on Earth,” but if we are honest, it is busyness at another level. At least it can be unless we learn to say “No!” and teach our children to say “No!” as well.

While we all seem to live with the new phobia, “FOMO”, the fear of missing out, it is time for us as parents to step back and realize we might be missing out on what matters most.

This month’s Online Parenting Class is all about “Empowering Your Teen to Say No to Controlling Schedules.”

As you process this video as parent,s and maybe even sit down and watch it as a family, remember a few key things:

– We can’t do everything, but what we can do needs to matter for eternity.
– If we teach our tween/teen to say “No” to busyness, we teach them to learn to say “No” more easily to other things in the future.
– Saying “No” now will open opportunities to saying “Yes” to other things in the future you might have never known.

My heart and prayer is to help you and your family to “Seek First His Kingdom” and that means with your schedule too!

Hey there parents! Welcome to the new parent blog! I am so glad to be partnering with you all through this time in your students life.