Children in their formative years are dependent on their parents in almost every way possible. Our kids look to parents to feed them, to shelter them, to clothe them, sometimes even to protect them when necessary. More importantly, our children are dependent on parents to help them spiritually.

Proverbs 22:6 teaches us to "train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." In what areas do we have to train our children? Here are seven values that every Christian parent should teach his or her children.

Faith

It's often a child's default to place their faith in their mothers and fathers, and as good as it is for kids to learn how to trust their parents that faith and trust for earthly parents should never go beyond their trust for their Heavenly Father. Parents can teach their kids how to put their faith in God by always reminding them that every provision and blessing comes from God, whether they're asking for a certain toy or receiving their day's meals.

Prayer

As the old saying goes, "a family that prays together stays together." It's extremely important that kids are always given an example to follow in leading a life of prayer and devotion. Practices as simple as regularly praying before meals, and taking some time in the evening to pray for each other go a long way in building the value of prayer in children.

Compassion

As important as it is to teach justice and discipline to our children, we must also constantly portray and explain compassion to kids and regularly practicing visible compassion. Taking time to get your children involved in compassion projects such as feeding programs and ministry amongst the urban poor can be great ways to build a value of compassion that we must have for those in need.

Hunger for God's Word

Beyond the earthly wisdom that parents can provide their kids, there must always be the wisdom that comes from the Word of God. The great news is that the Bible is so full of knowledge that children can learn and apply to almost every area of their life. However, what use is it for parents to teach kids how to read their Bible when they themselves are not in love with God's Word. Teaching the Bible to kids is an outflow practice, meaning we can't teach our kids what we ourselves have not yet consumed.

Integrity

When parents and guardians teach our kids integrity, they don't have to worry about what their children do behind closed doors. The best ways to teach integrity is to always remind them that even if people don't see their deeds and misdeeds, God does and what they do in private heavily affects what they do in public.

Humility

Psychology Today states that pride is something that reflects as early as early childhood. Pride isn't all that bad. It helps build confidence in children, but just like anything else in this world too much of it can be detrimental. Parents teach their children humility best by explaining how our confidence comes from God and not ourselves.

Competence

No one wants unsuccessful children. Competence is one of the most important keys to future success for our children. The best way to teach children competence is to encourage them to pursue a craft or art that they can become good at. Don't limit their options, but rather allow them to explore.

What role do parents play in your ministry?

How do you get more parents to volunteer?

Questions like these are often asked in student ministry circles, but there’s one inherent issue with them all. They assume you (the youth pastor) are the key spiritual leader in the lives of teenagers, that parents are to help you in your ministry to their teens. But the Bible never makes this assumption. Rather, it assumes—and commands—parents be the key spiritual leaders in the lives of their teenagers.

Biblical Commands 

Woven throughout the Bible we see parents as the primary disciplers for their kids (Prov. 1:8; Ps. 78:1–8; Eph. 6:4). Perhaps the clearest example is Deuteronomy 6:7:

You shall teach [these words] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Whether or not they take up that role, parents are the main spiritual influence for their kids. Sociologist Christian Smith conducted the largest study ever on the religious and spiritual lives of American teenagers. In Soul Searching: The Religious and Spiritual Lives of American Teenagers, he concludes:

The single most important social influence on the religious and spiritual lives of adolescents is their parents. . . . The best social predictor, although not a guarantee, of what the religious and spiritual lives of youth will look like is what the religious and spiritual lives of their parents do look like. Parents . . . most likely “will get what they are.” (261)

Spectrum for Parent Involvement

This reality calls for traditional student ministries to progress forward (or is it backward?) to a more biblical model. You could plot parent involvement in most student ministries somewhere along this spectrum:

Absent parents come in two forms: by their choice or by ours. Parents choose to be absent in the spiritual lives of their teens for a slew of reasons. They may not be Christians themselves. They may be physically absent due to divorce or separation. They may be spiritually weak or immature. Or they may be handing the baton for this leg of the race to you, the youth pastor. If that’s the case, heed the advice of Steve Wright and Chris Graves: it’s not yours to take. As they write in their book reThink: Decide for Yourself—Is Student Ministry Working?:

Student pastors have too quickly accepted responsibility for teens’ spirituality and may be too reluctant to remind and equip parents to take their responsibility as primary spiritual disciplers. (47–48)

The flip side is when youth pastors organize their ministries in a way that keeps parents absent (unintentionally or not). So before you point the finger at absent parents, see if you’ve already made that choice for them.

Informed parents are a step in the right direction. If your ministry lands here, then you’re at least communicating with parents. However, your communication may be limited to event and program information.

A diagnostic question could be, “Am I the only one teaching students?” You might also look through your e-mails and mail-outs to see how much space is given to event information and how much is encouraging parents as spiritual leaders.

Involved parents are probably where most of fall on the spectrum (including me). You’re not the only teacher. Most of your small group leaders are youth parents. They’re willing to be sponsors at an event or on a mission trip. They’re likely to be a camp counselor. A daring few will even sign up for the ungodly event known as a “lock-in.”

This is a good place to be, since parents are taking stake in the spiritual lives of their teens. But we can still strive for better.

Equipped parents no longer feel the need to partner with the youth pastor to disciple their teens because the youth pastor has partnered with them. They have a healthy walk with Christ. They know what’s on the calendar and what’s being taught. They can lead a discussion about Scripture at home, or even a family worship time. They were guided through the awkwardness of starting this journey by a loving youth pastor (and pastor) who simply wanted to shape church ministries after the Word of God.

Equipped parents understand the reality they “will get what they are” and feel well equipped to lead their children to become mature disciples. Isn’t this type of “equipping the saints” our job anyway (Eph. 4:11–12)?

Now some may argue that if we progress to the point where all our parents are equipped, then we’ll be out of a job. The truth is that won’t happen in this fallen world. Student ministries will always have teens whose parents are absent. So there will always be a need for youth pastors to help bridge the gap where sin affects the family.

Making Progress with Parents

Youth pastors, I believe this is where our field is progressing. Smith advises churches that an “overall youth ministry would probably best be pursued in a larger context of family ministry” (267). Yet our motivating factor must be greater than research findings.

Moses’s final instruction to the second wilderness generation was this: “Take to heart all the words by which I am warning you today, that you may command them to your children, that they may be careful to do all the words of this law” (Deut. 32:46). Under Joshua’s leadership, Israel did just that (Josh. 24:31; Judg. 2:7), but the subsequent generation did not take these words to heart:

And there arose another generation after them who did not know the LORD or the work that he had done for Israel. (Judg. 2:10)

Equipped parents are the goal, but not the end. We must equip parents for the sake of teenagers today, but also for the future of the church. Equipped parents produce equipped teenagers who will eventually parent in a similar fashion. Multi-generational discipleship until Christ returns—that’s the end.

Over the past several weeks I’ve been going through old photos in preparation for my son’s high school graduation. It makes me laugh to see pictures of his timeless, mischievous smile and goofy mannerisms. But I have another emotion that surfaces when I look at old photos of my kids.

Sometimes, I feel regret.

I look at their young faces and regret not hugging them more when they were little. I regret “getting through” the younger years rather than taking in all the joys of toddlerhood. I feel guilty that I did not instill a greater reverence for God’s holiness or a better understanding of His mercy and grace.

And then I sigh through my many “if only” statements: If only I sent them to this school and not that one; if only I waited a little longer to let them have a phone, and if only I fed them more vegetables and less animal crackers.

Oy vey.

I know I’m not alone in these emotions because I’ve talked with other parents who get stuck in the same pit of regret, especially when we’re launching a child into the world. But I’m not sure this is the way the Lord wants us to reflect on our childrearing years.

God has graciously brought us to where we are right now in our parenting, so rather than looking back with guilt, we should reflect on our past parenting with thanksgiving and anticipate our child’s future with great hope.

Looking Back with Abundant Thanksgiving

Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”  

The first part of this Proverb exhorts parents to “train up a child in the way he should go.” I can assure of you of this: no one who has lived through the nuances of parenting has done this perfectly. No one.

God specifically chose you to parent your child, not because he thought you could do it without mistakes, but because God knows exactly what your child needs. And so, in His graciousness, He matched you with your child.

There’s no doubt that this God-ordained “match” is a sanctifying one. Our sin is magnified in our attempt to love, nurture, and direct, but we also grow through our mistakes, learning day by day and year by year how to better love the child that God has placed in our care. What grace the Lord shows us through this journey!

Accordingly, the Hebrew translation of “the way he should go” speaks into the child’s individual inclinations. While the goal is to train our children in the wisdom and knowledge of Jesus Christ, each one is totally unique in their personalities, circumstances, and needs.

Because of this, we are not given a Biblical outline on the one right way to train up a child. That training will look very different depending on the strengths and weaknesses of the child whom God has given you.

Regret in parenting often arises when we forget that our calling in parenthood is unique and instead, we become envious of other parenting stories or successes. We perceive someone who did it right, and in turn feel guilty that we didn’t follow their ways. But the Lord says, follow me. Keep your eyes on me. Using other parents as the ultimate standard discounts the wisdom and goodness that God has provided in your own, unique parenting journey.

Do you sense the freedom in this truth? You don’t need to reminisce with regret, but you can remember with joy and thanksgiving all that God has done in guiding and sustaining you as a parent thus far. Give your regrets to Jesus; throw them at His feet and rejoice freely in your heavenly Father who has walked with you and guided you.

What is more, God lovingly redeems your greatest weaknesses as parents. The world tells us that our kid’s successes depend on our success. There is nothing true in this statement. What is true is that God uses our failures in ways we could never comprehend. That doesn’t make sense on a human level, but, as Luke 18:27 reminds us, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Jesus is always at work, even in and through our mistakes.

Looking Forward with Great Hope

The second half of this Proverb urges us to look forward: “even when he is old, he will not depart from [God’s ways].”

It’s essential to understand that this verse is not formulaic. Generally speaking, it is true that training up a child in the ways of the Lord will result in a child who considers God’s ways. But this is not a guarantee. It’s a principle, not a promise.

We struggle with this concept because we have a hard time not being in control. So, if our child is wayward, we blame ourselves for not doing enough, but if our child turns out “great,” we pat ourselves on the back and very quickly offer our expert parenting manual to others.

Both responses discounts God’s loving sovereignty. It is God who receives glory in our parenting victories, and it is God who receives glory even in our parenting failures because He uses our frailty in ways we could never fully understand. The way you parent does not ensure a particular future for your child. God alone is the author of their stories, and while we have tremendous influence as we “train them up,” it is ultimately Jesus who works in their hearts, often in profound and mysterious ways.

Anticipate your child’s future with great hope because we serve a great and awesome God who can and who will do great things!

And in the meantime, don’t stop making disciples. Even if you are on the brink of empty nesting, your work as a “trainer” continues. Listen well when your child seeks advice, pray often for their relationship with Jesus, and look for other younger children and parents to disciple.

I can’t help but think about the Apostle Paul. Of all people who might live with regret, this persecutor of Christians had every right to live a guilt-ridden life. But after Jesus revealed himself, the rest of Paul’s life was not marked by regret, but instead by faithfulness to the gospel message. He lived and breathed Jesus.

May our lives be marked similarly as we look forward with great hope to all the ways in which God will continue to use our parenting to advance His kingdom and to spread His love.

When things happen that just don’t make sense, I think the very “Christian” thing to do is to put a Bible-verse-bandaid on it and hope that the bleeding stops.
But as a parent, I think it is a bad idea to cover up feelings and emotions with Bible verses.
I think it is a wise thing to heal feelings and emotions with Bible verses.
Let me explain the difference.

You know the verses I’m talking about…the ones that instinctively make you roll your eyes the second you hear someone say them to you.
And then you immediately feel that guilty feelings come over you because, who rolls their eyes at the BIBLE?

So it’s usually the “all things work together”, “be anxious for nothing”, and “I can do all things” ones.
And here’s the thing. The bible is not a bandaid.
It’s a sword, actually.
It’s for opening up wounds to reveal the heart.
It’s a light.
It’s for putting the spotlight on our sin so we can confess and repent and look more like Jesus.
It’s for relationship.
It’s for spending time listening to the living Word that shows us a real, loving person who wants a real, loving relationship with us.

So we need to start using it in that way.

After a big disappointment in life, I realized how I was feeling about God.
How I was feeling about his character, how I was feeling about the way he was treating my family, how I was feeling about what he thought of me.
It was not positive and even though I knew that it was based on my feelings, it did not minimize the emotions and the “Realness” behind it.
I also knew that my boys were feeling the same way.
What happens when you sit on feelings and emotions without addressing them, is that they start to creep into other aspects of your life.
You may not realize it, but you start making a little pile of hurts and misunderstandings.
After time, it becomes an enormous pile of big hurts and misunderstandings.
And after an even longer time, you look back and wonder how you ever got to this point of bitterness that you never saw coming.

So here’s the question. Should you let your kids question God?

My answer? YES. Yes, yes and yes.

Listen, we all question God at times. All of us.
I do not think that we need to raise our kids to feel guilty for the questions, but I do think we need to train them on what to do with those questions and emotions.

Here’s what I think it should look like.
After a disappointment, or hurt, or loss…I think it would be helpful if we did this.

Take your child out for an ice cream, or donut, or just make some hot chocolate and get some time alone together.
Bring a notebook and your Bibles.
Express the fact that feelings and emotions come from God himself! He made us emotional people!
It is not a negative. However, when we allow our feelings (heart) and emotions to control us, that is where we can get into trouble.
Tell them that everything you talk about today will be honest. Promise that you will be honest with what you say, and you want them to be honest with what they say.
No judging each other. Make it a deal. (Do a handshake, pinky swear, knuckles, whatever…keep it lighthearted but deep and real.)

Take out your notebook.
Make two columns.
One column will say “What I feel”
The other column will say “What I know”

In the first column, be totally and completely honest with how you feel.
You can go first so they know it’s a safe place.

I’ll share a little bit of what mine looked like.
1. I feel like God does not want to give me good things.
2. I feel like God does not want me to succeed.

I told you it would be deep and real.
This is real, life stuff and real, life emotions.

Now. Once you have both gone back and forth with what you FEEL.
You are going to look over your list and determine that you will find out, from God himself, if these feelings could be truth.

So with number 1. I feel like God does not want to give me good things.
Let’s do some research to see what God actually says.
Matthew 7:11 – …how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him.P
Psalm 85:12 – The Lord will give what is good.
Psalm 34:10 – But they who seek the LORD shall not be in want of any good thing.

Alright. So I know my feelings. And they are based on this, this and this with what I see, what happened, what I feel, etc.
BUT God says all of this about God giving me good things.
So, let’s check it out. Are my feelings based on truth?
In this case, no.

Alright, let’s go to the next one.
And you go through your list of your feelings, and you check them out based on God’s truth.

TRUTH OVER FEELINGS EVERY TIME.

You are teaching your kids that feelings are real, and shouldn’t be ignored or brushed off.
And disappointments and loss and hurt are all very real.
And you are teaching them that YOU are the safe place to go to talk about those very real feelings.
Do your kids feel safe to tell you “I don’t feel like God loves me.” or “I don’t think God hears my prayers at all”
and not be afraid that you’re going to say- come on… you know that’s not true. Don’t say that. That’s not right…

Also, there may be times when your kids feel like God is not hearing their prayers, and maybe that is accurate.
Do some research on what God says about that. Have him read the verse that says, if I have iniquity in my heart, God won’t hear me.
Be open and honest about everything God says, and don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t understand the answer,
but you are going to work together to find it!

Because if our kids are going to be feeling any of these things (And they will.) They will either hold it all in until they break,
or they may talk to someone who will just tell them that maybe it is true. Maybe God doesn’t love them, or hear their prayers, or you know what?
Maybe God isn’t even real!

Should you let your kids question God?
Well, I think your kids are going to question God whether you know it or not.
So the real question should be, should you let your kids talk to you about how they question God.
And the answer to that would be yes.

But let our questions lead us to the truth.
Let our questions lead us to the one. Jesus.
The one who is the way the truth and the life.
The one who came and lived among men who is full of grace and truth.

We need to correctly hand the word of truth with ourselves and with our kids.

Let’s raise our kids to be thinkers, to know where to go with their emotions, and to know what to do with their feelings.
Help them to use their feelings to find the truth.
Not their truth. THE truth.

We will then have strong, unwavering, godly kids who grow into strong, unwavering, godly adults that this world so desperately needs.

And in all of it, it helps you to put the truth above your own feelings, and it brings you closer to your kids.
Life is hard.
Doing it together and figuring out what God wants in all of us makes it better.

Yes, question God. But always let God give the final answer.
Truth over feelings every time.

Thanks for all you do to invest in the life of your teenager(s). You probably feel like an uber driver (ready to pick them up/drop them off when they call), coach (helping them perfect their sport), tutor (working with them on homework), guidance counsellor (preparing them for the future) and, sometimes, a jockey (pushing them to cross the finish line…without a whip of course!)…all wrapped up in one!

That’s why, with all the insane busyness of parenting a teen, it’s easy to let youth group attendance slide off the grid. It’s tempting to think, “My kid’s just too busy for a night of hanging out with other teenagers, playing some goofy games and hearing another Bible lesson.”

Believe me when I say, I understand the temptation. As a parent of a teenager (who has tons of homework, plays football and is not yet old enough to drive) my wife and I are constantly under pressure to measure every event through the lenses of what matters most. And we have decided that youth group attendance must be a priority. Although we view ourselves as the primary spiritual influence of our kids, we also believe that a strong youth ministry plays a vital role in his overall spiritual development.

With this as a backdrop here are 5 short, yet powerful, reasons you should encourage (make?) your teenager(s) go to youth group:

1.  Teenagers need models and mentors.

“O God, You have taught me from my youth, And I still declare Your wondrous deeds. And even when I am old and gray, O God, do not forsake me, Until I declare Your strength to this generation, Your power to all who are to come. “  Psalm 71:17,18

In the Jewish culture it wasn’t just parents that poured into the younger folks. Older men poured into younger men and older women poured into younger women (Titus 2:1-8.)

Of course you as a parent are called to be the primary spiriutal mentor of your own teenager but he/she also needs other godly adults! It’s important for your son or daughter to see that this whole “Christianity thing” is more than just mom’s and dad’s belief system. They need to have models and mentors that reinforce all of the spiritual truth they are learning from you.

2.  Teenagers need community.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”  Hebrews 10:24,25

In an age of bullying, gossip, slander and hatefulness (which can destroy a teenager’s self-identity), young people need other young people who can lift them up, encourage them and challenge them in all the right ways.

Youth group is also a place where teenagers can discover their spiritual gifting and begin to use it to serve others. This will help them have a heart to selflessly serve others for the rest of their lives!

3.  Teenagers need mission.

When Jesus challenged his most-likely teenaged disciples to “go and make disciples of all nations”,he was tapping into the activist wiring of these young men. In the same way your teenager needs challenged with the mission to reach their peers with the good news of Jesus in a loving and contagious way.

Youth group is a place where your teenager can invite their unbelieving friends to hear the gospel. But it’s also a place where they can be equipped to share the good news of Jesus with their own peers (which will help them grow in their faith!) As your youth leader continues to build a Gospel Advancing ministry the message of Jesus will advance in them and through them. This process will accelerate the disicpleship process in the life of your teen in ways you could never imagine! 

4.  Teenagers need theology.

“Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.”  Ephesians 4:14,15

Youth group is a place where teenagers can wrestle through the theology you’ve been teaching them (you’ve been teaching them right?) and have it reinforced in a powerful and personal way under the guidance of a youth leader who knows how to ask great questions and point teens to sound truth.

This should result in your teenagers knowing and owning their faith on a deeper level. Youth groups and small groups should be a place where teenagers can ask tough questions and even share doubts and struggles with their beliefs without fear of rebuke. Skilled youth leaders can take questioning teens back to God’s Word as the source of authority and help them process through all of the Biblical truth you are praying they grasp, believe and live out.

Great youth groups build on the foundation that godly moms and dads have laid. And, for those teenagers who don’t have believing parents, an effective youth ministry helps lay a solid foundation of Biblical truth for the rest of a teenager’s life.

5.  Teenagers need a safe place to confess and confide.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”  James 5:16

Often teenagers who struggle with sin and temptation have nowhere to confess and confide. They feel trapped by their sins. But a healthy youth ministry can create a safe space for teenagers to open up and talk honestly about their struggles. Of course this doesn’t mean they should confess every sin to everyone. But it does mean that they should have a handful of others who know their struggles and can pray for and encourage them to walk in victory over those sins.

When my son came back from a youth retreat last year he had this opportunity. He opened up with a handful of others about some of his struggles and then he came back and opened up to me. After he confessed his struggles he told me that he felt a thousand pound weight had dropped off his back.

Here’s the thing, my son and I have a very strong and very open relationship. But there was something about his band of brother friends, under the leadership of a caring adult in a youth retreat type setting, that gave him the freedom to confess and confide.

Skilled youth leaders know how to create a context of open and honest dialogue. Teenagers who push their struggles down and never open up often struggle later on in life with addictive and destructive behavior. An effective youth ministry can help teenagers deal with these challenges now and prepare them to be victorious both now and later.

Yes, I know that teen life is busy. But it would be a shame if our teenagers graduated from high school and were catapulted into “the real world” without every opportunity to know, live, share and own their faith.

At the end of the day, our teenagers embracing and embodying the Christian faith is more important than sports and more important than academics. Getting them involved in a healthy, vibrant youth ministry is worth fitting into a crazy, busy schedule. And if it’s not quite as healthy as you think it should be then why don’t you volunteer and make it better? 

There’s too much at stake for us to get this wrong. So let’s get it right!