We want our kids to develop healthy habits, but if we’re honest, we probably aren’t the best when it comes to sticking with positive behaviors ourselves.

So what’s a parent to do?

Thankfully, there is a lot of research that can help when we fall short. One of the latest popular books on the topic, The Power of Habit, written by New York Times reporter and author Charles Duhigg, suggests all habits, good and bad, follow the same pattern, or what he calls the habit loop. It works like this:

First, there’s a cue, which is anything that triggers the habit, from time of day to location to other people. The cue signals the brain to go into automatic mode, thus making the action that follows extremely hard to resist.

Next comes the routine, which is the actual habit or the behavior you wish to change.

Finally, the reward is the reason why habits exist at all — this positive reinforcement tells the brain that this behavior is something worth remembering.

Now that we know how habits are formed, we can outline a plan to help our kids (and ourselves, too!) develop positive habits:

Create a routine

Create a routine around the positive habit you want your kids to adopt and repeat. When we were sleep training our daughter, Arden, last year, my husband, Kevin, and I read in Moms On Call that children crave the boundaries a schedule and routine provide. In the book, it encourages parents to adopt the same bedtime routine every night, which would reinforce the desire to sleep. And wouldn’t you know it, after just a few days of the same routine, our daughter started sleeping more and more.

The same goes for creating habits. If you establish a positive pattern (or cue), the brain goes into automatic mode.

Model it

Model the behaviors you want your kids to have. One of Arden’s favorite things to do is brush her teeth. You know why? Because she’s so used to seeing us brush our teeth. When we demonstrate the good habits we want our kids to have through our actions, they can’t help but to adopt them as their own.

Celebrate!

What gets rewarded gets repeated. It’s why Arden claps whenever she puts her toys away without us having to ask—she knows that behavior gives her the positive reinforcement she craves.

Of course, this will be a struggle at the beginning because habits are tricky that way. However, there’s something else Charles suggests you can do in the meantime: Fake it til you make it.

Yep. You heard correctly.

If you do the action first, ultimately your attitude will follow. It’s what psychologists call “self-fulfilling prophecy.” When you believe something long enough, it will come true in your life and in the lives of your kids.

What kinds of things came true in your life simply when you believed they could? What habits have you helped your kids adopt? 

Is there any conversation that ranks higher on the awkward-o-meter than the sex talk with your kids?

What about when you have to ask grandma to please stop kissing your baby’s hands because of the germ factor?

Nope, not as awkward.

Well, then, maybe it’s the sit-down you have to have with your kid to talk about why they have to start wearing deodorant?

Cringeworthy, but still not as awkward. 

No parent feels confident talking to their kids about sex. Sex is such an important subject and we want to have the conversation in the right way, but most of us didn’t have this conversation modeled well by our own parents. As a result, we don’t feel equipped or comfortable leading the conversation about sex because, well, it’s sex we’re talking about, and with our kids. Most of us wish there was a formula to this dialogue, but we know that wouldn’t work—every kid is different, so every approach to this conversation needs to be different too.

While it may be easy to shy away from this conversation and put it off until later, research shows there’s no better time to have this conversation with your kids than right now. A lot of parents default to tackling the sex talk when their kids enter high school, but it’s important to begin guiding “the big talk” as early as preschool. It turns out, the more positive, value-centered sex education kids receive at home, the less promiscuous they’ll be. 

“Kids learn best when they talk, not when you talk,” says Dr. Jim Burns, a writer and speaker on topics about marriage, family, kids, and leadership. “Dialogue is never going to happen if you stay silent. Your kids will just get the information from somewhere else, or if it’s too rigid, they’ll rebel.”

Here’s how to start talking to your kids about sex based on the phase they’re in:

Preschool

Preschoolers ask a lot of questions because they’re curious about the way things work. Because of that, you can anticipate some questions that have the potential to lead to awkward dialogue. And that’s okay. 

Lean into the whys and talk to your kids about their bodies and how and why each body part works the way it does. Use the proper names for body parts when discussing them and get comfortable with using them in everyday life. Talk with your preschooler about privacy and give them the space to use their voices to share what makes their bodies feel good and what makes them feel uncomfortable. This conversation may seem simple, but it lays a great foundation for a successful sex talk throughout all the phases. 

Elementary 

When your kid is in kindergarten through fourth grade, they’re still into asking lots of questions, but now, they’ve got a lot more prior knowledge to make the questions even more in-depth and harder to answer. During this phase, have an open discussion about respect and how to act around those of the opposite sex. Reinforce the idea that a person is just that—a human being and not an object. This is a great time to be intentional about teaching your kids to say no when something feels uncomfortable and ensuring your kid has a safe place to voice any concerns. 

Something to be mindful of in this phase is to keep things age-appropriate without diving too deeply into the conversation in a way they can’t comprehend. Feel free to use the phrase, “You know what? That’s a great question. We’ll talk about that when you’re a little older.” 

Middle school

During the middle school years, your kid is changing a lot—from the way they think to the way their bodies look and feel. This is a very important phase because not only are they going through puberty, but research shows most kids see pornography by age 11. 

This is a great time to start talking to your kids about the changes happening in their bodies, emotions, and relationships. During middle school, kids’ emotional involvement often exceeds their level of maturity, sometimes leading them to make poor choices. Introduce the concepts of boundaries and sexual integrity. Emphasize how your kids can honor their bodies, how to handle situations they may find themselves in with the opposite sex, and guarding their hearts. 

High school

Many parents use the high school phase to start talking about sex. If you fall into this category, don’t worry—it’s never too late to start having the talk. During the high school phase, you’re your kids’ coach. Guide them to make wise decisions by holding them accountable to themselves and their boundaries. Be a safe place for your kids—make sure there’s no doubt your kids know you’re open to talking to them even though you may disagree on their views. Project acceptance and try to limit lecturing—this phase is defined by the desire for independence.

Extra positive influence never hurts, so make sure you’ve got other caring adults in place to step in to be a sounding board for your kids. Sometimes, your kids won’t feel comfortable coming to you. Expect that and learn to get comfortable with asking for help, even if you’re accustomed to tackling challenges like this on your own. 

There are many things in life that come naturally, but conversations about sex rarely fall into that category. Even though kids are bound to make unwise choices when it comes to sex, the odds are better for your kids to make wise ones when there is openness about the topic in your home. 

And here is something else that Dr. Burns says that’s important to remember: “Listening is the language of love.” 

One of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do in your parenting is learn how to communicate with your kid. Communication in and of itself has never been easy, but add an age gap, youthful angst, and a budding vocabulary, and you might find yourself feeling like you’ll never get it right, that you and your child will always be in a perpetual state of misunderstanding each other. 

That feeling is totally understandable. Most of us either haven’t learned or truly practiced what real communication is—an exchanging of ideas in a safe environment where everyone feels heard and, hopefully, understood. For many of us, the process of communicating can feel downright uncomfortable, leaving us fleeing from awkward conversations or responding in ways we aren’t proud of. 

But here’s our chance to get it right. Now, with our kids, is an opportunity to shape what true communication is in the next generation. We have the power to raise kids who are not only confident enough to express themselves and communicate their needs, but also to nurture compassionate listeners. In each phase, your kid’s communication style will be different. Here are some ways you can best communicate with your kid, no matter the phase they’re in:

Phase: Preschool 

In the preschool phase, your kid is learning what they can do, whom they can trust, and exploring the depths of their emotions. It’s important to establish yourself early as a safe place for your kid to express themselves. The way you communicate in this phase should convey that you’re not afraid of their big feelings and that you’re going to stay right there while they express them. 

Empathy is the name of the game here: While their feelings seem blown way out of proportion to you, that blueberry you accidentally dropped down the garbage disposal was important to them, and you should respond as such. Affirm their feelings in that moment with understanding, using words like, “You didn’t want that to happen” or “That didn’t turn out the way you’d planned.” Then, follow up with affection and remind them you’re here to listen if they want to talk. 

Phase: Elementary school

When your kid enters elementary school, you’ll start to notice how much they crave having your attention. If you had a dollar for every time your kid said, “Look at me! Watch this!” you’d likely be sitting on the deck of your very own yacht by now. It’s also during this phase, particularly in second and third grades, that your kid starts to compare themselves to others. 

When communicating with your elementary schooler, it’s important to get down on their eye level when talking to them and give them your full, undivided attention. Resist the urge to multitask in this moment—eye contact can go a long way in this phase. When you talk, make sure you start a conversation off with praise for their efforts, reminding them what a good kid they are and using words like, “You should be so proud of yourself when you . . .” Be sure to give them space to express their views without judgment before expressing your own. 

Phase: Middle school

Once your kid becomes a middle schooler, you might’ve noticed a little—ahem, a lot of—resistance on the communication front. You’re not alone: It’s during this phase when your kid is fighting to discover their unique identity, and this is often not without a bump against authority, namely you. 

While they may appear bold and confident, it’s likely a façade. At this phase, your kid is second-guessing everything, asking themselves where they fit in the world and among their peers. So, the best thing you can do in this phase is perfect your listening skills. Your kids will have a lot of feelings—ones they may or may not want to share with you. But once they do share, know that moment is really important. Affirm who they are, and remind them of their strength and capability. 

This is also a great time to call in reinforcements and invite other caring adults into your kid’s life. While this may be hard to hear, your kid might not always feel comfortable talking to you about what’s on their mind and heart. Just make sure to have someone you both trust waiting in the wings to step in with wisdom and understanding.

Phase: High school

In the high school phase, what’s top of mind for your kid is finding a place to belong and living their purpose. During their sophomore year in particular, your kid is clarifying their values, but it often comes off as rebellion and counterarguments. As difficult as communicating may seem in this phase, your kid needs to hear from you that you trust them, that you’re listening, and that you love them, no matter what.

This phase is also marked with a huge transition for your kid: They’ll be leaving home soon. No doubt, your kid is feeling so many things all at once, and likely, fear is the predominant emotion. When communicating, make sure you’re conveying how much you love your kid and that you are their partner in whatever’s to come next. While many things feel uncertain, their place at home will always be something they can count on.

Learning to communicate well is hard, yet important work. And while you may not get it right all the time, know your effort and your desire to understand your child and be understood by them makes you a great parent. 

My oldest approached me a few days ago and asked if we could meet as a family every morning and have our “quiet times” together. For months now, he’s been trying to find a time and a place in his day to spend time with God. He and I started going to breakfast on Wednesday’s before school and I’ve been teaching him how to study the Bible using an inductive study method. But he wants more. He wants to be in the Bible every day and there isn’t much more that makes this momma’s heart sing.

Thought I certainly don’t have this parenting thing down, and I’m sure we have some tumultuous years ahead of us in these last 9 years we have as parents with kids in the house, we are beginning to see both the holes caused from our parenting failures as well as the good and sweet fruit of our labors. With the clarity of hindsight, I can now see how the Lord has faithfully led us to take several actions with our kids when it comes to the Bible. Here are five we’ve seen begin to bear beautiful fruit.

1. Model and Invite

I will never, ever forget the birthday when I woke up to balloons and notes in my “quiet time” chair. My kids knew that when I woke up, I would most likely head to that special spot, so if they wanted to surprise me first thing this was going to be the way to do it. In full disclosure, there are plenty of days that I don’t study my Bible, but by and large (enabled by a ton of God’s grace), I have made time in the Word a priority. I didn’t realize it at the time but this has been one of the most fruitful parenting actions I’ve taken.

Beyond modeling a desire for the Word through our own example, we need to invite them to do the same. It is really tempting to study behind closed (and locked) doors, especially when they were younger. It didn’t matter how early I got up for a few precious minutes of quiet reading, two of them in particular seemed to have a sense that mom was up. Lots of times this “intrusion” left me feeling desperate and frustrated. Most of the times I was just too tired to make them go back to bed, so I let them stay. Yet, looking back I can see the beauty in their early morning snuggles while I tried to not spill my coffee all over my Bible when they wiggled. Allowing them to stay was an invite for them to be a part of what mom was doing. After a while, I learned to have a picture Bible and some crayons and Bible activity books nearby so I could invite them into their own little quiet time to do alongside me.

Now that my kids are older, spending time in the Word is something they think is a normal part of life. They don’t study everyday, but they desire to do so and that makes me one happy momma.

2. Upload and Have Fun

Beyond them seeing us enjoy our Bibles, we also need to lead them to study the Word for themselves. I cannot count how many times we (unsuccessfully) tried to have some sort of family devotion time that ended in kicking and screaming and me losing it in absolute frustration that my kids could not get with the program! Looking back, I can see that I was asking them to do something they were not developmentally ready for.

There was, however, something I was doing right all along: Scripture memory through songs. We’ve done a ton of it. Not knowing it, I was catering to their natural ability to upload and retain information. Little kids love repetition and song and we did a ton of that. Even though they are older now, we still listen to Scripture in the car, set to music.

Don’t forget to have fun with this! Our kids will take their cues from us. If we turn our noses up at a silly song, so will they eventually. Even with my older kids, they’ve learned to look past the silliness to see the value of uploading God’s Word into our hearts. I’m praying it all sticks somewhere in their hearts and minds, and I think it will. I can still remember much of what I memorized as a child, especially if it was set to music.

Here are several additional ways you can upload the basics of God and the Bible into your children.

• Teach them the books of the Bible.
• Read the Bible to them.
• Sing the doctrine-filled hymns together (especially if you don’t sing them at church).
• Send them to Sunday School. (We use The Gospel Project which gives them the grammar of the biblical story.)
• Hang Scripture art up around your house.

3. Build the Habit and Invest in Their Spiritual Growth

This is huge! There is no way I can impart everything they need to know about God and the Bible while under my roof. And even if I did, it will mean little if they don’t choose to make it their own relationship, their own faith, their own pursuit. While I cannot chose for them, I can set them up for success by inviting them to make time with God part of their everyday lives through providing opportunities and tools to help them do so.

One way we do this is through our Christmas giving, which we center around the gold, frankincense, and myrrh gifts given to the Christ child. For frankincense (which was an oil used in worship) we gift them things that will help them connect with and worship God. Over the years, they’ve received such things as story Bibles, study Bibles, special pens, worship CDs, a quiet time basket, devotionals, special mugs, and Keurig hot chocolate pods which are reserved for when they have their God time.

My hope and prayer is that as they see us invest in and prioritize their relationship with God, they will continue to do so — with both their time and their wallets — as they grow.

4. Discuss What You Are Learning

Chat about what you are learning in your own time in the Bible. Ask them what they’ve been reading. On Sunday mornings after church, either in the car or over lunch, I’ll periodically ask everyone what they learned about through the sermon or in Sunday School that day. (Which is another cool thing about The Gospel Project, since all age levels study the same verses). When I see or hear something that reminds me of last week’s sermon or Sunday School lesson, I’ll light up and see if they made the connection as well. When I see a verse that we’ve memorized around or a song on the radio with a similar theme, I’ll start (sometimes annoyingly) singing the memory verse to help them make the connection. Make it normal to talk about and enjoy the Word of God in your everyday life: “These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).

5. Pray, Pray, and Pray Some More

Please don’t make this into a checklist to follow rigidly. These are simply actions that I have seen fruitful in my own family. There are no guarantees that they will grow to love the Word, but just as a plant needs the right environment to grow, so does a spiritual life. As we do the work to till the soil, water, fertilize, and pull the weeds, we must also pray for the Light of the World to illumine the hearts of our precious seedlings. Without His work in their hearts, our labor is in vain.

Lord, help us lead our children to your Word! Grant in us an overflowing love and desire to know you better through the Bible. Give us the grace to obey you in response. May our children see our examples and follow in our footsteps as we make your Word our treasure.

A few months ago, I settled in to watch the Netflix drama series “Anne with an E,” based on the 1908 novel Anne of Green Gables. It was a nostalgic moment, bringing me back to a (much) earlier version of the same series where Aunt Marilla shares a quote with Anne saying, “the sun will go on rising and setting whether or not I pass geometry class.” I replayed those words in my head whenever anything difficult came my way. 

What I didn’t know then—that I know now—is that a beloved childhood book was teaching me this: 

resilience.

The ability to bounce back. 

Which is something I hope to teach my own kids. 

That mistakes, setbacks, or difficulties would not overwhelm them or hold them back. 

There is a ton of research and conversation happening about how to build resilience in kids. Without dumping a ton of research on you, I wanted to quickly share three game-changing questions you can use to build resilience in your kids.

1. What is happening? 

First, ask: “What is happening?” When you do this, you’re giving your child an opportunity to share what they’re experiencing, which allows you to dial into it. When a child or teenager can regularly verbalize their struggles, challenges, and disappointments, they start to see setbacks as an accepted part of life that they’re not stuck in all alone. 

When kids share with you what is happening in their world, you are a trusted presence in their life and this is huge. Having at least one caring adult who cares about what is happening is the key to resilience building. “Research tells us that it’s not rugged self-reliance, determination or inner strength that leads kids through adversity, but the reliable presence of at least one supportive relationship.” Keep being the caring adult they can come to. 

2. What is true no matter what? 

Guide them back to what is true. The American Psychological Association suggests trying “to identify areas of irrational thinking, such as a tendency to catastrophize difficulties or assume the world is out to get you, and adopt a more balanced and realistic thinking pattern.” Help to recenter them on what is true—like how much you love them, how brave and strong they are—and invite them to pause and take a deep breath. Help create a centering opportunity to remind them they are here and their body is working, that it will be okay. 

This is where routines—such as dinner time, bath time, and bedtime—can be helpful too. When everything is hard and tears are plentiful, getting back into a routine helps to redirect kids to what is true no matter what. 

There will be showers and chores and Tacos on Tuesday—even when life is hard, it keeps going.

3. What can I do?

A favorite phrase (it’s almost downright magical) is this: “What can I do to help?” When there are tears over unfinished book reports, a stressed-out teenager in the middle of exams, a toddler in the middle of a major meltdown, asking “what can I do to help?” is a reminder that no matter what happens, you’ve got their back. Even if all you can do is offer a hug, or help them find their school library book, offering your help is essential for building resilience. Research from the Mayo Clinic acknowledges that “being able to reach out to others for support is a key part of being resilient.” By offering to help, your kids are learning that they can reach out for support. 

After you’ve asked, “What can I do?” redirect the question back to them to help your kid or teenager learn to problem-solve and see how capable they are in working towards solutions to their own problems. This helps develop the skills needed to respond to challenges. This is when you can decide together when it’s time to make a plan to handle that hard thing or consider other options that might be better in the long run.

When it comes to building resilience in your kids, these three questions can help.

But what is even more important to remember is that the common denominator is you. The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University puts it this way: “The single most common factor for children who develop resilience is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent, caregiver, or other adult.” When it comes to building resilience in your kids, what matters most is you.