Too much screen use in the bedroom is a big part of why teens don’t get enough sleep.
Teenagers need sleep too. We all know that’s true. It just might not seem like it, when you’redragging around at the end of the day and they’re bopping about like a caffeinated human dynamo. But according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), teens definitely need a minimum of eight to 10 hours a night to stay healthy and happy.
However, a lot of teens in this keep-those-eyes-glued-to-a-screen age have a hard time getting their brains to wind down enough to drift off into the land of snooze. And when they do, they can often be pulled back out two hours later with thoughts of sending that absolutely necessary text they just realized they never sent. And once they’re up, well … it’s hard to put that phone back down. They just have so many (really, really quick) things to do. Besides, they can always grab an energy drink to perk up in the morning, right?
But that kind of pattern is a looming, and soon-to-hit, train wreck. Not only does it throw off a teen’s circadian rhythm, it also prompts his or her body to produce less melatonin, which is the naturally produced hormone that promotes sleep. And then there’s the fact that those energy drinks—filled with sugar, caffeine, and other stimulants—can cause anxiety, health problems and, you guessed it, their own form of insomnia.
I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Sleep. Do I?
So what’s the big deal about not sleeping all that much? Well, a lack of sleep doesn’t just make teens (and the rest of us) tired, it makes their brains less effective when they’re awake.
Even when we think we’re just kicking back, our brains are still hard at work. Or at least they’re supposed to be. Our brain regularly sifts through the day’s learning and memories. It solidifies important connections and prunes away the stuff we don’t need.
But when we humans don’t take the time to recharge our brain properly with a good night’s sleep, then our learning functions, feelings, stress management, and decision-making skills get all gummed up. That, in turn, leads to higher levels of anxiety and depression.
What Causes a Sleepless Teen Night?
Studies aplenty point to the fact that a smartphone’s artificial blue light activates arousing neurons in the brain (again disrupting the healthy chemical process for sleep). And the National Sleep Foundation recently conducted a poll that found that 96% of teens between the ages of 15 and 17 bring their phones into the bedroom.
Why do they do that? To be truthful, there are plenty of reasons.
For one thing, teens have a need to be emotionally connected with their peers. And quiet time before bed can seem like the perfect time for that, via social media. I mean, a regular teen weekday can be pretty packed with school activities, sports practices, homework, music lessons and responsibilities at home.
Let’s also admit that social media can be incredibly addictive.
Studies have shown that social media applications (which we have so many of) create stimulation patterns in our brains (yep, that ol’ brain again) that are very similar to patterns created by other addictive behaviors and substances. So it’s really hard to put down a phone or tablet once you’ve picked it up.
What to Do
So, if we can all agree that teens need sleep and that often, they’re not getting it … and that screen use at night can be impacting that lack … and those teens really want to use their phones at night anyway … what then can we do?
Well, first I would suggest a conversation.
As a family, talk about the need for making a good night’s sleep a priority. And that will mean some limits placed on screen time before bed and no phones in the bedroom. That may feel like a big leap—and it may require talking through your teen’s worries over such a move. But it’s important.
Create the Proper Environment.
Keeping a bedroom space cool, dark, and quiet at night is a good practice. Avoid harsh lighting and opt for warm lamp light when needed. In fact, a number of studies have strongly suggested that you should keep all TVs, computers, laptops, tablets, and phones out of the bedroom.
Wind down.
Start a routine where everybody steps away from their phone at a certain point each evening. Start conditioning your mind and body for a regular wind-down-to-calm period. I know that might seem impossible in a busy household, but it is doable. Maybe a quiet conversation or spending time in a good book can get everyone in the right place for sleep.
Charge your phones outside the bedroom.
This should be a habit established as early as possible. Phones have become a ubiquitous part of reality, but we can still train ourselves to separate them from us at certain points.
Limit caffeine consumption.
Yep, that can make a difference. Keep everyone away from caffeinated soft drinks and coffee in the later parts of the day. Caffeine’s effects are still sloshing around in your system for up to six-to-10 hours after consumption.
Encourage Daily Exercise.
The fact is, a tired body longs for a soft pillow. It treats you better, too.
If I haven’t made it clear, keep those phones at bay. That goes for you, too. Regular family-wide routines can lead to far better sleep patterns for everyone. And that’s a win-win for anyone with a brain.
By Bob Hoose
Published on Tuesday, May 30, 2023 @ 12:34 PM EDT
Don’t get tangled up in the notion that depression is a sin.
There is a sticky question many Christians struggle with: Is depression a sin?
Many people ask me this question more than any other when they are trying to understand their own emotional state or that of someone close to them. Well-meaning Christians, who lack understanding of depression, often exacerbate the situation by making statements such as: “You simply need to have more faith,” or “There must be sin in your life, otherwise you wouldn’t feel like this,” or even “If you prayed harder (read the Bible more, had a deeper walk with the Lord), you wouldn’t have this problem.”
To someone who already feels guilty about everything, this just piles on even more guilt.
But are they right?
Is depression a sin, or a picture of sin in our life? I answer that with an unequivocal no!
Depression can, in many instances, have a physical cause. So can alcoholism and several other things spoken against in the Bible. Follow me closely here: The tendency toward depression or alcoholism is not a sin; giving in to them, however, is a sin.
The alcoholic will probably get drunk when he drinks, so the Christian who is an alcoholic and wants to stay in God’s will must make sure he never takes another drink. Likewise, the person who has a tendency toward depression isn’t at fault if his or her emotions begin a downward spiral. However, how he/she responds to that downward spiral will determine if there is sin.
When Depression Starts
When I feel depression beginning to clamp its cold hands upon me, I do several things:
- Above anything else, I make sure I’m still reading my Bible and praying. Depression often makes you want to do the opposite, but you have the power, in Christ, to do what God wills. You can say no to your emotions and yes to communion to God during these times.
- I thank God for loving me and bringing me through the bout of depression. This is important. Both of these first two actions go against what I feel. My depression makes me want to stay away from everyone — including God. And it also makes me feel as if no one could really love me — including God. But in reading the Bible, praying to God and thanking God for His love, I am saying that God’s Word, not my present emotional outlook is my authority. In thanking God for bringing me through the depression, I am also exercising my faith in God and in His Word, precisely at the moment I don’t feel like doing it.
- I try to keep from making any major decision. I’ve learned that life looks a great deal more bleak when I’m depressed. Therefore, any decision I make during this. time is bound to be colored by a false sense of what’s going on in my relationships, my business and my family. Taking these steps actually may allow me to have greater faith than many who never experience depression. That’s because I thank God for taking care of me and loving me even when I can’t feel or see it. If that’s not a biblical definition of faith, then I don’t know what is! For example, look at these verses from the Bible. If, when depressed, you can trust God to take care of you and bring you through your bout safely, then you’re exercising faith.
If you can believe He loves you even when you don’t feel loved, that’s faith. In fact, perhaps the person fighting depression who trusts in God has the greatest faith of all! “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients for commended for.” (Hebrews 11:1-2) “We live by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)
So, your depression is not a sin in and of itself. But how you respond to that depression will determine if you sin.
Let’s try an experiment. Perhaps, when you feel that horrible negative emotion coming on, you usually say something like: “Oh no, here it comes again. I’m in for a horrible time.” Next time, however, say this instead: “Heavenly Father, here is an opportunity for me to show great faith and grow in you. May I be faithful to you during this time.” It might not stop the depression, but it can surely transform what it does to your life! And it can help you remain true to God even in the midst of emotional storms.
Strength for Today: The Disease Has a Cure
Imagine a world of darkness. In this world your senses are limited to sound, smell, taste and touch. For most of your life, you have spent every day crouched against a rough, stone wall, surrounded by the sound of a milling crowd. You feel the warmth of the sun as it shines on your face, but you cannot see it. And then a shadow falls across you, bringing welcome coolness. A voice from nearby asks the question you have heard so many times: “Who sinned that this man was born blind? Was it his fault or his parents?”
Paraphrased, you hear, “What did this poor, wretched fool do to deserve a life of misery? Where did he go wrong? What did his parents do that he should suffer like this? What sin in his life has brought him to this life of abject hopelessness?” Perhaps you have had similar thoughts regarding depression. After all, aren’t we meant to be happy and well-adjusted all the time? If we are unhappy, we must have done something wrong.
In Jesus’ day a common conception existed that all disease could be traced to sin. The Savior of the world knew this was not true — and he was getting ready to prove it.
The young man mentioned above, of course, is the blind man from John 9. The questioners were Jesus’ disciples. Jesus Christ, with the divine knowledge of the Great Physician, spoke some of the most encouraging words of the Bible: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned…but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life” (John 9:3).
“What sin have I committed that has brought me depression?” Many people ask this question. Learn a lesson both from the Bible and from science. Let’s paraphrase Christ’s words. “Neither you nor your family sinned, but this happened so that the power of God might be displayed in your life.”
I can reassure you that depression is an illness. It is a disease with a physical basis. Depression is not due solely to spiritual problems. So get rid of the guilt trip and begin focusing on the cure!
We want to help you find the solution to your depression — the work of God that will illuminate your life and glorify our Creator.
Action Steps That Help
When you feel depression beginning to take hold of your life, try to do the following:
- Make sure you’re still reading the Bible and praying. You have the power, in Christ, to do what God wills.
- Thank God for loving you and bringing you through the bout of depression. God’s Word, not your present emotional outlook, is your authority.
- Try not to make a major decision while in a depressed frame of mind.
- Thank God for taking care of you and loving you even when you can’t feel it or see it. This exercises your faith and strengthens you.
Here are a few additional thoughts to keep in mind for those struggling with depression:
- Depression can relate to pushed away, or ignored emotions. Be willing to face them through Christ’s strength. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
- Though not advisable in every situation, medication may provide needed physical help for people struggling with depression. Talk to a doctor about it.
- Reaching out for Christian counseling can provide support, help you address underlying causes of your depression, and help you develop a plan of action.
By Bruce Hennigan, M.D.
Published on Tuesday, May 23, 2023 @ 2:11 PM EDT
What should you do if your kids have been vaping? Learn all you can about it and then start the conversation with them.
If you ask kids in middle or high school about vaping, you’ll probably hear them say that it goes on all around them. Some may also say that they have tried it. And you may even get a “What’s the big deal?” pushback.
What, in fact, is the big deal? Why is the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention sounding alarms about the use of e-cigarettes? Why is the Food and Drug Administration seeking to regulate how, where and to whom they are sold?
What, in fact, is the big deal? Why has the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)sounded alarms about the use of electronic cigarettes (e-cigarettes for short) over the past several years? Why does the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) regulate (as much as possible) how, where, and to whom they are sold?
Using e-cigarettes, also known as “vaping,” appears to be a safer alternative to smoking or chewing tobacco, at least for those who are struggling to quit using tobacco. But for those who aren’t tobacco users — especially kids and teens — vaping is definitely a bad idea. For some adolescents and young adults, vaping may actually be an onramp to a tobacco habit.
A Dangerous Addiction
Smoking tobacco products holds the dubious distinction of being extremely harmful to just about every part of the body. The facts are dismal. The latest (2014) version of the Surgeon General’s Report on the consequences of smoking noted:
Cigarette smoking is responsible for more than 480,000 deaths per year in the United States, including more than 41,000 deaths resulting from secondhand smoke exposure. This is about one in five deaths annually, or 1,300 deaths every day.
Worldwide, more than 7 million deaths per year are attributed to cigarette use. This habit is also linked to cancer (of the lungs, mouth, throat, vocal cords, and esophagus), clogging of arteries, chronic lung disease and a wide assortment of other ailments.
If cigarettes are so harmful, why are they so hard for smokers to give up? Because along with the many products of combustion sucked into the body with every puff, cigarettes also deliver nicotineto the bloodstream with spectacular efficiency. This substance has the unique ability to be both relaxing and stimulating, at least for adults. It is also incredibly addictive, both physically and psychologically. Those habituated to its effects will crave it, sometimes desperately, within a few hours after their last dose.
Smokers who are trying to quit will typically try various methods of delivering nicotine in order to stave off withdrawal symptoms. You no doubt have seen nicotine patches, gum and lozenges for sale. These can be helpful to varying degrees. But they don’t deliver the “hit” of nicotine delivered from cigarette smoke.
These delivery systems don’t supply the ritual of inhaling and blowing smoke that most users find calming and enjoyable.
Enter the E-Cigarette
A “smokeless, non-tobacco cigarette” was patented in the United States in 1965, but the version that has more recently taken the world by storm was developed and introduced in China in 2004 and arrived in the U.S. not long thereafter. A variety of devices and brands of e-cigarettes have entered the marketplace since 2010 and have spread like (smokeless) wildfire.
E-cigarettes originally looked like cigarettes, but they have morphed into dozens of shapes and sizes. They all consist of a battery, a heating element, and a liquid that is vaporized and inhaled. The liquid is water that normally contains flavoring, vegetable glycerin and propylene glycol (both of which disperse the other ingredients and create vapor when heated) — and variable amounts of nicotine. Variations in these components — along with different features, colors and styles — can dramatically impact the appeal, sales and health impact of e-cigarette devices. As we will see, the vaping landscape changes at a breathtaking pace, and keeping up with it can be a challenging task.
Some Statistics
The 2022 National Youth Tobacco Survey (NYTS), an annual study conducted by the FDA and CDC, found that 14.1% of high school students (approximately 2.14 million) and 3.3% of middle school students (about 380,000) reported current e-cigarette use. Of these, more than one in four reported using an e-cigarette product every day. Ask the administrators at your local high school and you will almost certainly hear that dealing with student vaping — in class, in the rest rooms, inside and outside school grounds — is a challenging issue.
What’s Hot, What’s Not With kids?
The e-cigarette brand Juul not long ago was the iPhone of vaping devices. Started by two Stanford University graduate students, Juul burst out of the blocks in 2015. Within 2 years its sales represented 29% of the US market, rising to a whopping 73% in 2018. By the end of 2018, Juul had 1,500 employees, and in 2019 its revenue hit the $3 billion mark. By the end of the decade, the word Juuling had become synonymous with vaping.
Juul’s success in such short order was largely due to its appeal to kids. The Juul device was slick and sleek, closely resembling a flash drive and very easy to conceal. It emitted only a modest amount of vapor or aroma, and thus was easier to use without being detected. Juul’s liquid “pods” originally came in a variety of flavors that were appealing (or at least not threatening) to kids: Creme Brulee, Cool Mint and Fruit Medley, among many others. Last, but definitely not least, Juul’s creators spent considerable time and effort to make their device highly efficient at delivering nicotine. In so doing, it replicated the “hit” that keeps tobacco users hooked on cigarettes.
Juul’s founders stated repeatedly and adamantly that their sole purpose was to create a device that would allow smokers to quit. But their initial advertising campaigns and aggressive use of online marketing pushed all the right buttons to attract kids, presenting images of attractive/hip people, slick and sleek like their product, having a great time using it. And therein were planted the seeds of Juul’s downfall.
As of 2023, Juul and its sales have nearly vaporized. It has paid hundreds of millions of dollars to settle thousands of lawsuits arising from the early marketing of its highly addictive products to teens. It has been stripped by various governmental agencies of most of its capacity to sell its products. Juul’s website is now distinctly uninviting to teens (or anyone else). Colorful screen images have been replaced by stark verbiage that Juul is intended to help smokers quit–period.
But guess what? Into Juul’s vapor void raced a variety of disposable (i.e., use and toss, rather than refill) vape brands that picked up where Juul left off. There has been a marked increase (to more than 50% as of 2022) in the use of disposable e-cigarettes such as Puff Bar and Vuse as the preferred product among middle and high school students. Prefilled devices using refillable pods or cartridges now run a distant second at 25%, and Juul, which once dominated the latter category, has all but disappeared from the playing field.
Sadly, the disposable brands cheerfully work from Juul’s old playbook, with colorful products and websites, and plenty of appealing flavors to choose from. The 2022 National Youth Tobacco Survey found that nearly 85% of current middle and high school vapers use flavored e-cigarettes. Fruit flavors are the most popular, followed by candy or other sweets. Puff Bar options, for example, include Peach Ice, Blueberry and Pink Lemonade. In addition, online vendors offer a host of colorful wraparound “skins,” decals for the Vuse device designed to “show off your style.”
Finally, in an attempt to do an end-run around regulators (and thus avoid limitations that might be placed on their sales efforts), some disposable e-cigarette manufacturers claim that their products contain “synthetic nicotine” not derived from tobacco. The American Lung Association has issued a blunt response: “Synthetic nicotine is still nicotine,” and thus both highly addictive and harmful to adolescent brain development, as we will see momentarily.
So what’s wrong with kids vaping? Let us count the ways.
Exposure of Young Brains to Nicotine
Remember that e-cigarettes were originally designed to help tobacco users shift from inhaling dangerous and toxic clouds of smoke to inhaling water vapor (and a few other odds and ends) as a safer means of managing their nicotine addiction. In other words, their purpose was to migrate nicotine addiction from one delivery format to another, while otherwise perpetuating it. For someone not already using tobacco–especially teenagers–e-cigarettes create nicotine addiction, and once that chemical train has been boarded it is very difficult and unpleasant to get off.
The last thing that adolescents need during their critical physical, psychological, and social transition to adulthood is to be chained to a distracting and destabilizing chemical tyrant. Indeed, a number of organizations have raised concerns that nicotine can impair adolescent and young adult brain development and cause other harms as well:
- Young people who have never smoked but take up vaping have a significantly higher likelihood of becoming cigarette smokers later in life.
- Vaping is associated with increased symptoms of attention deficit disorder (ADD), anxiety and depression.Depending on the duration and intensity of a nicotine habit, withdrawal from this substance can provoke irritability and even agitation – which then drives the user to seek another dose, in whatever format might be available to deliver it efficiently.
- The adolescent/young adult brain is still growing and maturing until about age 25. Not only does this affect judgment and risk-taking, but it also means that teenagers and young adults are prone to addiction than older adults. Among young people a nicotine dose of 5 mg. per day – roughly one fourth of the amount in the majority of disposable vapes–is enough to establish an addiction to nicotine. For a real-world check, ask any long-term smoker (especially one who has had difficulty quitting) when he or she got started. You will invariably hear that it was during their teen years — or earlier. Very few people start smoking when they are 35 years old and have a spouse, kids and a career well under way.
Long-term Impact on Lungs
While inhaling flavored water vapor is generally recognized as less harmful than inhaling smoke, no one really knows what may be the long-term impact — on airways, lungs, and the overall body — of repeated exposure to the compounds emitted by e-cigarettes.
Kids and adults with asthma are likely to have their symptoms aggravated by inhaling e-cigarette vapor, for example, but that may be the tip of an iceberg whose size and destructive potential will not be recognized until decades have passed.
Other Potential Harms
- Nicotine exposure poses a health risk both to pregnant mothers and their developing babies.
- Though rare, fires, and explosions involving e-cigarettes, usually while devices with lithium batteries are being charged,have caused burns (but thus far no deaths). E-cigarettes with lithium batteries are not allowed in checked bags on aircraft for this reason, and may not be used or charged by passengers who bring them into the cabin.
Talk About Vaping
What should you do if you think your kid might be vaping? In a nutshell, find out.
This has two components:
- Ongoing big-picture efforts at home, including building and maintaining a loving relationship through the teen and young adult years, open and transparent communication, creating a family culture that makes drug use (of all kinds) unattractive, transmission of values, and a whole lot of prayer.
- Opening specific dialogue about vaping in particular: Is it going on around you at school? Has anyone offered a vaping device to you? Have you tried it? Interrogation will be less effective than genuine interest, and some candid (and hopefully well-informed) discussion of the risks will go a lot further than a lecture.
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If Your Kid is Vaping
What should you do if your kid has been vaping? You’ll need to help her take this bull by the horns, which first requires understanding how big the bull really is.
Again, without shaming and lecturing, try to find out what substance she’s using, how much and how often, and for how long she’s been using it. On one end of the spectrum, you may be dealing with experimentation and dabbling, which hopefully can be curtailed with some conversation about risks to be avoided.
Perhaps by now she’s endured enough clouds of vapor in the lavatory, or seen some agitated behavior from a habituated vape user, and is now ready to steer clear of this product in the future.
If your adolescent or young adult is already a steady consumer of vaporized nicotine, you (and he) may have a bigger challenge ahead. Remind him that this substance is highly addictive, and that the original idea of the e-cigarette was to wean smokers to a (theoretically) safer product–because they couldn’t successfully quit using nicotine gum, lozenges, or patches. But once aboard the vaping train, how does one get off?
Withdrawal Strategies
The skyrocketing use of vaping devices among adolescents has created a daunting public health challenge: How to help untold thousands of teens and young adults become free from nicotine addiction.
While one size definitely does not fit all, for now it would appear that behavioral approaches – specifically (and not surprisingly) utilizing digital and text-messaging support – can be effective.
The nonprofit Truth Initiative, which has mounted an active campaign to end both tobacco and vaping for more than two decades, has created a text-messaging based program called “This is Quitting” that teens can access by texting “DITCHVAPE” to 88709. “Become An EX” (EX for short), a free online program developed by Truth Initiative in collaboration with the Mayo Clinic Nicotine Dependence Center, offers a multi-faceted approach that includes quitting plans for all forms of nicotine dependence, including support for parents want to help their kids stop vaping. (Access at becomeanex.org.)
Withdrawal Symptoms
If anxiety, depression, headaches, or other problems surface, visit your teen’s physician. Keep in mind that underlying anxiety and depression can contribute to a nicotine addiction rather than result from it, and these factors must not be ignored. Your teen’s doctor may or may not have an inside track on the latest approaches to nicotine withdrawal, but at the very least medical conditions such as iron deficiency or a thyroid malfunction — though rarely the primary problem, but simple to assess — can be ruled out.
You may need a referral to a professional who is qualified to provide medical management for depression and anxiety. Counseling, both for the addicted individual and his or her family, is definitely a good idea. Support from your pastor, as well as a trusted friend or relative who has had to navigate an addiction in the family, would be highly advisable. Last (but really first) and certainly not least, prayer should bathe the entire process.
Stay Informed
The story on vaping and nicotine addiction continues to unfold. For updates, continue to check websites such as:
- https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/basic_information/e-cigarettes/about-e-cigarettes.html
- https://truthinitiative.org/research-resources/harmful-effects-tobacco/nicotine-and-young-brain
- https://e-cigarettes.surgeongeneral.gov/
- https://www.fda.gov/tobacco-products/products-ingredients-components/vaporizers-e-cigarettes-and-other-electronic-nicotine-delivery-systems-ends
- https://www.fda.gov/tobacco-products/youth-and-tobacco/results-annual-national-youth-tobacco-survey#Goals
By Dr. Paul C. Reisser
Published on Tuesday, May 16, 2023 @ 3:37 PM EDT
We learn more from our failures than we do from our successes. Teaching our children to not fear failure is the first step toward becoming successful adults.
If it’s true that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert at something, then I’m confident I’ve clocked enough hours to be considered a professional failure artist. My wife and children have been active witnesses to the majority of my many missteps.
Some failures were trivial, while others nearly cost me my life—like on the fateful day I was stacking metal horse stalls during my shift at the rodeo arena. I nearly met my gruesome end after somehow pinning myself between a stack of disassembled panels and the 3,500-pound dinosaur of a forklift I hadn’t learned to respect.
Other failures were less perilous. For example, I’ve put my foot in my mouth so many times that I think I’ve acquired a taste for it. Once I told my wife in a heated discussion not to yell because it was—and I quote—“not becoming” of her. (And here I’d thought that telling my wife to calm down was the worst line I could pull from my bag of word tricks.)
Still, I’m thankful for many of my failures. Because my kids have gotten to see me fall on my face—and then get back up, learning from each misadventure. I want to show them that failure has been the best coach, mentor and personal trainer that my effort could buy.
I’ve learned three liberating truths along the way that have guided me through all my mess-ups. These truths are helping me give my kids a framework for failing well and developing resiliency.
Truth #1: Failures Don’t Define Us
When my kids get it wrong—and they will because they’re human—I want them to know that failure is not their identity. Still-greasy dishes stacked in the cabinets on the kids’ night for dish duty or a call from a teacher telling us that one of our kids is struggling in school are teachable moments. They may have failed, but they are not failures. They may have messed up, but they are not mess-ups.
I understand that the doubt-filled questions my kids ask themselves can feed their fear of failure.
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if people laugh or think less of me?
Yes, there are natural consequences that come from failures. But my job as a dad is to remind my children that our failures can’t rob us of our God-given identity and purpose. Rather, our failures may actually move us closer to that purpose.
I want my kids to realize that God might use failure to close the wrong door that they kept trying to force their way through or save them from a painful relationship. He might allow alarming consequences from unhealthy or destructive behaviors and beliefs so they can be set free.
Truth #2: Failures are not Final
The sun will rise again tomorrow with a whole new chance for my kids to make it right and build from the rubble of their mistakes. If you burn yourself on the stove, hopefully you’re careful grabbing a hot pan in the future. If you get a speeding ticket, hopefully you learn to be a safer driver.
I’ve faced prison time in court and paid thousands of dollars in fees. But I want to show my kids how to be honest, own up to mistakes, take responsibility, walk with integrity, apologize and try to make a better decision the next time. Nothing good has ever come from me making excuses, being defensive, shifting blame or acting like I don’t make mistakes because I’m the dad.
Truth #3: Failures Have the Power to Refine
With guidance, children can shift their perspective to see that a moment of failure is happening for them rather than to them. I want them to reframe their perspective without rewriting the truth. Not just moving on but moving forward with the hard-won wisdom they earned from their mess-up.
The failure to clean up food in their bedrooms leads to bugs. How should they respond? Will they be a victim? Will they blame-shift? Or will they keep the food out of their room?
Procrastinating leads to failed tests, and consequently, losing privileges until they bring up their grades. What do they do? Blame teachers? Or do what it takes to pull up their grades and have privileges reinstated?
There is a real beauty to young people taking responsibility, owning up to mistakes, and learning and growing from each one. They can get more out of their mess-up than what they lost. They can let it seed their blessings rather than feed their fears and paralyze them with anxiety.
My job isn’t to shame my kids. Discipline? Sure. Correct behavior? Absolutely. But more than that, it’s to lift their eyes to our Savior who took on all their fears and failures, mistakes and mess-ups. Jesus gave them a better identity amid their getting it wrong than they could ever earn with all their efforts to get it right.
I want my children to fail big, beautifully, fast, and often. Does that sound crazy? Maybe. But it’s because I also want them to succeed. To win. To be the best version of themselves. And along the way, they’ll gain a certain resilience that only comes from failing.
Let’s Do this Thing
I’m always going to be my kids’ biggest hype man. You want to change the world? You’ve got this. You’re probably going to get it wrong a good bit along the way, but your mom and I are going to be cheering you on, helping you stand when you fall. We’re going to challenge you and encourage you and love you through it all.
It’s often said that the goal of parenting is to prepare kids for the real world. Someday they’ll move out and get jobs and pay bills and take care of themselves. This objective seems overly pragmatic to me. I want to believe the goal is to make sure my kids feel loved and worthy—like they matter and can do great things. I want to raise kids who dream big and then work hard to make those dreams a reality. This is preparing them for the real world.
By Stephen Miller
Published on Tuesday, May 9, 2023 @ 4:33 PM EDT
Praying as a family can be much more than a bedtime ritual.
Gather together and make family prayer dynamic to build strong bonds and weave faith into daily life. Psalm 35:10 exclaims, “Oh Lord, who is like you?” (ESV). God had the Israelites make booths as part of the celebration of Booths or Tabernacles. Solomon sweated as he offered many sacrifices (2 Chronicles 1:6). They involved their whole bodies in worship and prayer. Let your family prayer involve body, mind, and spirit. The acrostic G-R-O- W can help guide us in how and why we should pray together.
G for Gather and Pray
Come together and start talking to God.
Use what grabs the interests of your children, such as a ball. Toss the ball up and say, “We looked up to watch the ball. We start prayer with looking to God and praising Him.”
Bounce the ball and chat about how we hit bottom when we sin, but God forgives us, and we joyfully bounce back up.
Let’s ask for forgiveness.
If you hurt a family member, also say you are sorry. Roll the ball and chat about how God is always with us no matter where we roll along in life. Thank God for His presence. Continue using the ball and relating the motions to prayer.
You can also pray for one another in a simple way called POW-WOWS. That means to Pray over worries and worship over wonders.
Let one person name a worry and a praise or blessing. The person to the right then says a one-sentence prayer for help with the worry and one-sentence praise for the wonder. Short prayers help children stay focused and make it easier for them to pray. Continue until everyone has a turn. It’s amazing how praying for another person evokes concern for the person’s problem and helps them celebrate the joys.
R is for Rejoice
Celebrate answered prayer and praise God.
Note any answered prayer and thank God for those. Blow kisses to God as part of thanking Him. Make it more fun with thanking God for a praise and blowing bubbles into the sky.
Keep a family prayer journal to list prayer needs and check off answers.
Review the journal at times to notice all the prayers God answered, and also note times you waited on God’s timing. Celebrate answers with decorating stones as Ebenezer stones (1 Samuel 7). Ebenezer means stone of help, and celebrated God giving the Israelites victory.
Children can pick them up anytime and thank God for the answers.
Chat about the joy inside your heart that makes you feel close to Jesus even when things go wrong. That’s because we can trust Him and know just as He answered other prayers, He will continue to answer prayers and be with us no matter what happens.
O is for Open Hearts and Minds
Let prayer be a time of unity without criticism.
God loves us all. When you are accepting of what everyone shares, children open up more. They share problems. It’s a time to remember you are all talking to God. It’s also a time to investigate prayer and chat about questions children ask about prayer.
Children are curious and ask many questions.
Rather than pat answers, explore together. When they want to know why God takes so long to answer prayers, you can talk about readiness.
Put out all the ingredients to make cookies or other food. Ask if they prefer to just eat the ingredients so there’s no wait time. They will not like that idea and better understand we and situations have to be ready for God to answer.
Or, ask if they can teach a newborn baby to ride a bicycle. That can bring laughter as babies don’t have long enough legs to reach pedals, balance to sit on the seat, or ability to pedal. They are not ready. God knows when we are ready for answers, so we need to trust His timing.
Look up times God let people keep praying and trusting and times God answered fast (Nehemiah 1:1, 2:1, 2:4-8; Genesis 12:1-2, 15:18-21, 18:10, 21:1). Read what Jesus said about pray and where and when He prayed (Hebrews 5:7, Luke 6:12-13, 22:31-3, John 6:11, Matthew 6:9-11). Seeing how God answered in the Bible and tracking how God interacts in your lives builds faith.
W is for Weave Your Family Prayer Time Into Daily Life
Deuteronomy 6:7-10 reminds us that God wants to be involved in our lives.
Let prayer and sharing faith be part of your ordinary days as well as special times. Make your doorway a prayer-way. In going or coming pray for safety, and thank God for the opportunities both to go, and stay home to be with family.
Call out a praise to God when you are blessed and pray over anyone who is hurt or facing a challenge. Pray at meals, bedtime, rising up, and anytime. Relate prayer answers and what God showed you today that brought a new lesson. It might be a lesson from nature, words spoken, or the circumstances God allowed for you to see something in a new way.
Genesis 45:5-8 shows us how Joseph knew God was with him and guided him in all circumstances. James 1:5 reminds us that God responds and gives us wisdom when we ask.
Make some prayer maps that show how God, and His Holy Spirit, has guided your life. Draw a timeline and add in times of changes and prayer answers that illustrate God was with you.
When prayer is part of life it will be natural for children to pray and share their faith.
The Institute of Family Studies senior fellow W. Bradford Wilcox with Nicholas Wolfinger concluded “shared prayer is the most powerful predictor of relationship quality among black, Latino, and white couples, more powerful than denomination, religious attendance, or shared religious friendships.”
Another study revealed that prayer benefits the whole family in many of the same ways it benefits couples who pray together. Prayer helps family members address stress and reduce tensions in relationships. Family prayer also builds stronger bonds, develops a sense of family unity, and carries faith into adulthood.
Choose to pray as a family regularly.
By Karen Whiting
Published on Tuesday, May 2, 2023 @ 5:17 PM EDT